the enten-menn.

if one day some rapscallion has a sawed off shotgun to my head & the only way to avoid a brain-splattering death is for me to form a 50's-style doo-wop group & tour the country, it's all good because i already have our name picked out. we will be totally throwback & totally beloved & lawsuits be damned, we will be called "the enten-menn." as we roll through branson, MO & rome, GA & other family-friendly villages, our unique brand of doo-wop will spread soul & fond memories & shameful arousal across this great nation.

we'll also be spreading our love of processed foods to the masses as, after every single doo wop ditty, we'll shoot entenmann's snacks into the audience out of a modified t-shirt gun. oh! also, we'll be kinda fat because, well...we'll be eating copious processed treats for pretty much every meal. eventually we'll get kinda plump & steve perry (tenor) will die of a heart attack & we'll end up with our own reality show called "the biggest enten-menn." they'll send us to some sort of fat camp or island or prison, where we'll struggle between working off them extra pounds & our undying love of entenmann's baked goods. we'll cry a lot & sometimes scream at each other & sometimes hug. in the end, the nation will be salivating in anticipation of our big comeback tour, which'll be so big that it'll make the jackson five reunion look like your a gig your friend's shitty indie band got playing a shitty street fair.

although we've been on tv & supposedly learned a lesson about healthy eating, once we're back on the road & feel the do-wop electricity surging through the crowd, we won't be able to resist ourselves. at an october 1st show in sheboygan, as we walk on stage to kick off the pumpktoberfest season, somebody in the crowd will toss a box of entenmann's pumpkin muffins up on stage & nick cave (bass) will absolutely lose it, grabbing the box & gobbling down all six muffins like a starving dingo. as he yanks each muffin from its individual wrapper, he'll notice that though each is rather moist for a packaged muffin, it's also a bit crumbly, forcing him to pop each in his mouth all at once, lest it drop from his hand & soil his pretty doo-wop getup.

since nick's a regular gourmand, in the few seconds he has before swallowing each muffin whole, he'll notice hints of pureed pumpkin & a sweetness from the honey, molasses & spices. ultimately though, he'll be drawn in by the sodium aluminum phosphate. once the polysobate 60 & the mono-and diglycerides kick in, it'll be all over. next thing you know, we're all back on fat island & the cycle repeats itself. FAME!