#52 - bcs bs.

let me start by saying that the last time i watched an entire college football game from beginning to end, it was the only place you could find a two-point conversion. tonight, as a service to my readers, so you don’t have to watch it yourself, i’ve decided to provide you with a running tally of college football’s b.c.s championship game, featuring two teams, oklahoma & florida, who are ranked #1 and #2 respectively & are both 12-1 and high-scoring excitefests. in honor of sports excitement, i’ll be offering, you, the reader, an increased amount of exclamation points in today’s entry. enjoy!

7:45pm (pregame) – story time. florida quarterback tim tebow does inspirational stuff, goes to prisons, spreads hope & strong messages & counts blessings. on the field: spirals. off the field: spirals of hope. turns out he’s the first homeschooled athlete to win the heisman & he has bill named after him in alabama, one that aims to give homeschooled students access to high school sports. i guess that’s cool.

7:49pm – we’re getting a little taste of the fighting gator band right now. they’d better know how to fight with those fey feathers on top of their caps. oh man. now we’ve got the oklahoma pride band! they have feathers too. feather fight!

7:56pm – that 09’ ford f-150 is featured smack dab in the middle of the pregame podium & on all the video screens behind the commentators. oh. now we get a commercial for an 09 ford f-150. that’s subtle. i guess it’s fitting for a truck that you can apparently haul a cow or a bunch of sheetrock or a smaller, weaker truck in.

8:00pm – omg i so want to see the notorious b.i.g. movie next week on opening night, but in brooklyn, i bet at least one person gets shot at a screening, so there’s that.

8:01pm – wow. both teams have quarterbacks who have won heisman trophies. here’s what i know about the heisman off the top of my head. doug flutie won one. so did herschel walker. i have both received & given a few heismans myself in my time.

8:02pm – wow, oklahoma scored over 700 points this year. now if they could only say the same for their s.a.t. scores.

8:04pm – national anthem. you best recognize.

8:06pm – bcs road trip giveaway! average joes! ultimate truck! guess which kind! cody won the truck with a whoop. good for him. enjoy the taxes from your f-150 prize, cody!

8:09pm – florida’s head coach’s first name is “urban!” is that russian?

8:19pm (q1) – so these teams have never played each other? ever? weird. kickoff!

8:26pm – personal goal for 2009: purchase a headset, preferably one that allows me to communicate with someone up in the booth. alternate goal: sack someone.

8:31pm – wait…did the commentator just say that the gators have weapons all over the field? see, this is why the nfl ends up with image problems like pacman jones & mr shot-in-the-foot-at-da-club. it starts in college.

8:48pm – these teams are supposed to be high-scoring, right? we’re almost eight minutes into the game & nobody has scored. what is this? football or futbol?

8:54pm – so that demps guy on florida was the fastest teenager in america...good for him...showoff.

8:57pm – the commentator just made a comment about the negativity & cynicism of society. screw him.

9:00pm – you know what’s the best? flag after flag after flag…wicked good first quarter.

9:06pm (q2) – touchdown gators! 7-0. finally. from this point on, my support is behind the gators. go gators! chomp them injun-hating unassigned land-grabbing sooners!

9:14pm – touchdown sooners! 7-7. tie game! from this point on, my support is behind the sooners. go sooners! displace them sewer-dwelling gators!

9:22pm – gotta be honest…i’m not feeling either teams’ cheerleaders. i have a feeling it might be my hippie new england upbringing rejecting their showy southern cheerleader ways.

9:24pm – oklahoma’s chris brown is doing a number running the ball right now (8 runs for 73 yards). too bad his music sucks.

9:27pm – …it appears that his goal line scoring abilities suck too…still 7-7. at least he has rihanna. go sooners?

9:37pm – ouch. that tackle just spread & twisted that florida dude’s legs in a way that should not be used in conjunction with the phrase “that dude.” let’s go to commercial.

9:43pm – aw yeah! the school bands are coming back for halftime! feather fight!

9:46pm – this should be good. 10 seconds left. oklahoma on the 6 yard line.

9:47pm – holy bounce! major wright for florida! interception! major wrong for oklahoma! that ball ka-jiggered off of everyone’s hands! florida foils forward progress!

9:48pm – classy kneel by florida to end the half.

#52 - bcs bs.
snack: blue diamond lime n chili almonds
drink: rogue chipotle ale

i’ve decided to give the blue diamond wasabi & soy sauce almonds (my #1 snack of 2008) a bit of a rest, so as not to subject them to the law of diminishing marginal utility. i realize that there are other nuts out there & i don’t need to focus all my attention on the wasabi & soy sauce ones…so i went for the blue diamond lime n chili almonds to fill my belly during the second half. they’re not as addictively pleasing as the wasabi ones, but they’re still pretty good.

…& this bottle of rogue chipotle ale, from oregon, home of the ducks, complements them well. it’s your basic smooth ale with a spicy kick from the chipotles & a mexican-looking dude with a hat on the front of the bottle & i must note that when the oklahoma pride band is playing their “pinball wizard” medley, it makes it easier to appreciate both the smoothness & the spiciness.

10:15pm (q3) – another punt! i’m seriously considering gator chomping my roommate's cat to shake things up a bit round here.

10:21pm – what this game needs right now is a killer flee flicker and/or a statue of liberty play.

10:26pm – actually, more personal fouls will suffice for the moment. rough that kicker!

10:32pm – woah. that do-gooding florida quarterback is really trying to pump up the crowd…nothing like a riveting quarterback sneak to get the stands bumping.

10:36pm – that florida wide receiver looks hurt. that’s what he gets for trying to score!

10:39pm – i think we might be in the “red zone.”

10:40pm – wikipedia confirms that we’re in the red zone.

10:41pm – face mask!

10:43pm – trick direct snap formation! touchdown gators! 14-7.

10:44pm – so that florida quarterback has a bible passage written on his eye paint…john 3:16…the generic central tenet coca-cola of bible verses.

10:50pm – ooh. my sooners just got their field goal attempt blocked. 2 minutes left in the 3rd quarter…still time to back the gators.

10:53pm – geesh. all these players are getting injured. clock slowers! yawn. aren’t they supposed to be in shape? what are they getting paid the big bucks for?...oh, wait. never mind.

11:02pm (q4) – they just showed the “ford game summary”…should have been video footage of grass growing.

11:03pm – i think what the problem is here is that i don’t have the right attitude about this championship matchup. my expectations were too high.

11:06pm – one-shoed sooners touchdown! 14-14.

11:07pm – twelve minutes to go…i think i might have heartburn from all the chili & chipotle, but it could also be an ulcer, since i’m such a huge sooners/gators fan & this game is so uneventful/nail biting. i bet grey’s anatomy got higher ratings tonight.

11:10pm – woah. that gator guy ran forever! 52 yards! that must be why they gave him #1…although, now that i think about it, if that was the rationale behind number-assigning, you’d just have to focus your defense on the players with single-digit numbers.

11:17pm – field goal gators. 17-14. i’ve decided that i’m going to continue backing the current underdog, the sooners. coming from behind is scrappy & i’m into scrappy.

11:22pm – crap. interception florida. i spoke too soon…& i’m out of spicy beer.

11:25pm – during the commercial, i’ve done some approximate math regarding this evening’s lime n chili almond consumption & here’s what i’ve come up with:

serving size = 28 nuts
servings per can = 6
amount eaten = half can
nuts eaten = 84
calories consumed = 510

…& there are still 10 minutes left in the game. watching football is fattening!

11:28pm – defense is not just something that goes around de yard, sooners! way to give up that 3rd down conversion.

11:31pm – red zone!

11:33pm – see, florida knows what’s up. that’s what this game needed more of…shovel passes. hotter cheerleaders wouldn’t have hurt either.

11:35pm – & crazy jump passes! touchdown florida! 24-14. things are not looking good for the sooners.

11:36pm – ok. we get it. the quarterback lived in a leper colony & spreads the good word of jesus.

11:38pm – three minutes left! screen passes do not win championships, ou.

11:40pm – so the sooners just blew it on 4th down. go gators! the kitty loves the gator chomp. gator chomp? gator champ!

11:41pm – aw snap! here comes the gatorade! look out, coach urban! why didn’t i drink that during this game? too cliché? too soon?

11:48pm – tebow takes a knee. 24-14. final. gators win.

long live the gator, or, according to the florida fish and wildlife conservation commission:

“if you transfer your alligator carcass to a commercial alligator processor, you must also complete a hard copy of the alligator harvest report form and a copy of this form must be transferred with the carcass.”

sure thing, florida jerks.