#68 - what the @%#& are you worth?

seriously. this blog entry is gonna @%#& rock. you know why it's gonna @%#& rock? it's gonna @%#& rock because i, shawn parow, fully embrace the kenny powers method & if there's one thing that kenny powers isn't, it's a @%#& pussy & when you embrace the kenny powers method, you can move mountains, mother@%#& and that's what this blog entry is gonna do. it's gonna move mother@%#& mountains & i'm gonna prove my worth, blogwise to all you envious mother@%#&s.

hbo's new comedy series, eastbound & down, stars danny mcbride (recently in pineapple express) as kenny powers, a former major league baseball pitcher who rose to fame on the back of his blazing fastball. the show is now three episodes into its first season & the series opened with a montage depicting the downfall of kenny powers' baseball career. the montage includes a few john rockerlike moments & includes a great clip of kenny with the red sox, attacking a cameraman while screaming "i'm not on steroids!" it's funny because everyone knows that red sox don't use steroids.

...so his career ends & he hits rock bottom & moves in back home with his brother and his brother's wife & three kids & takes a job as the p.e. coach at the middle school. he struggles with his fall from grace & determining his worth. hilarity ensues.

the title sequence for each episode starts with a freeze frame at the end of a totally @%#& awesome kenny powers moment--kenny punching a guy out (ep.1), kenny urging a girl to wear a dental dam because "you don't know what @%#& i've got either" (ep. 2) & kenny running away from a car crash, leaving his assistant with the words "i'm gonna split cause i got priors. see you at school" (ep. 3).

overall, the series has a @%#&-ton of hilarious, swear-filled kenny powers-delivered lines. even his "assistant" (the band teacher) gets into the game:

"you're @%#&ing out!" - kenny powers' catch phrase

"you named your kid after @%#&ing titanic? [points to nephew] what's his name, @%#&ing shrek?" - to his sister-in-law, who named their daughter "rose"

"let me get this straight...i'm gonna pay for a blowjob and i gotta pay for a hotel room? i got a house. you could just come to the house and do the blowjob here...can i wear the scream mask when i do you from behind?" - on the phone to an escort service, while his sister-in-law cleans up around him

"you can smoke a @%#&ing peace pipe til your @%#& falls off but i'm not dancing with wolves no matter how high i get." - from a kenny powers "i'm @%#&ing in, you're @%#&ing out" motivational tape

"this one coach tried to put me on a weight training program and i was all, 'you and your weights can @%#& off somewhere. i ain't lifting that @%#&. it's heavy.'" - also from a kenny powers "i'm @%#&ing in, you're @%#&ing out" motivational tape

"watch it, ass blood." - kenny's assistant, bumping into a college scout they just had a confrontation with

as you can see, it's often a hilarious show...swear-filled hilarious...but it's ok that it's swear-filled, because kenny powers is a @%#&ing champion...& it's hbo.

#68 - what the @%#& are you worth?
snack: 100 grand with coconut
drink: ten fidy imperial stout

i am a @%#& high rolling, ballin' mother@%#&, bitches. here is how much this blog entry is worth:

snack = $100,000.00
drink = $4.50
total - $100,004.50

while watching eastbound & down, i had myself the most expensive candy bar in the whole @%#& world, the 100 grand with coconut. nestle was all "as it is, you american @%#&s probably don't deserve our swiss, regular, everyday 100 grand bar, packed with chocolate, caramel & crisped rice, but since we're a mother@%#&'n multinational, multi-billion dollar corporation & you hide so much money in our banks, we're ok with giving you 100 grand bars & we're also ok with giving you coconut, which you @%#& americans, for some reason, insist on having in your candy bars. you're welcome. now if you don't mind, we have to go discourage third world mothers from breastfeeding now." then they twirl their well-groomed moustaches.

multinational corporation formula agendas aside, the 100 grand with coconut is pretty damn good. while mounds, with its dark chocolate, is a solid coconut candy bar, the 100 grand with coconut benefits from having rice crisps & caramel. they blend well together & the caramel prevents the coconut from being too overpowering...plus, i feel like the airiness of the rice crisps helps enhance the flavor. overall, it's fine swiss engineering.

the chocolate flavor also blended well with my drink for the evening, the ten fidy imperial stout. it's a canned beer (ala kenny powers' drink receptacle of choice...easier to toss out the window while driving) made by the oskar blues brewery out of colorado. american engineering!

i'd picked up the beer at a local park slope gourmet foods place, grab, without really looking at the price sticker on the side of the can, so immediately after purchasing, i definitely felt the same sort of guilt you'd get after paying for a $4 pbr at some stupid lower east side bar.

luckily, unlike a pbr, this beer was @%#&ing worth the $4.50. just under the rim of the top of the can are the words "cross-eyed. cyclopean. cancupiscent." i looked up that there last word & it's a playful twist on "concupiscent," meaning this beer is lustful. it has a thick, black color that looked sweet in a glass and had a chocolaty/burnt/coffee taste that was worth both sipping & gulping...and when i was done, i crushed the can on my forehead & @%#&ing hurled that thing at the wall...& came in at 56 mph on the radar gun...looks like somebody's still @%#&ing got it.