keeping up with the joneses.

um, have you been paying attention to the activities of folks with the last name "jones?" why not? what's wrong with you? i'm pretty sure that keeping up with them is supposed to be the american dream. have you given up on the american dream, comrade? well, it appears that you have, so here's a jones update. PAY ATTENTION, jones. the government is watching you to make sure you're still on board with the whole american dream concept, so you'll want to know this stuff:

• mad men hottie january jones is TOTALLY PREGNANT, which is TOTALLY GROSS.
• joe jones was introduced as the new head basketball coach at boston university (my alma mater) yesterday. that means that if he does his absolute best, he'll get the privilege of losing in the first round of the 2012 ncaa tournament. go terriers!
• davy jones & the monkees (sans mike nesmith) will be playing the genesee theatre in waukegan, IL tonight as part of their 45th anniversary tour. go see them. tickets are either $65 or $103. totally [chortle] worth it. also, drink genesee.
• tom jones is in vienna tonight. dude turned 71 earlier this month. i hope ladies are still throwing panties at me when i'm that old. hell, my calendar's open for most of next week if anyone's free.
• the non-white jim jones dropped a new track on monday.
• the white jim jones is still dead.
• jughead jones is still wearing that ridiculous hat but he has a gay friend now, so it's probably considered stylish or something now.
• indiana jones has a hat too, but he should have hung it up two decades ago.
• last night, megan jones glanced over at the stove & realized "she didn't eat all the beans."
• the dow jones is blah blah blah.
• radio host & noted conspiracy theorist alex jones has OFFICIALLY gone batshit crazy:

i had myself a bottle of jones green apple soda yesterday. for some reason i usually stay away from jones sodas. i'm not sure why exactly. i've cut HFCS sodas out of my diet, so you'd think i would've embraced jones soda (made with cane sugar) like i do my own private parts...tightly & lovingly. i haven't though. they've been putting out unique, non-HFCS sodas for fifteen years & i kinda felt bad about neglecting them, so i got one of their green apple sodas the other night. i'm usually not a proponent of green apple-flavored things (green apple jolly ranchers can SUCK IT...those things smell like cheese feet), but the alluring nuclear tint of the green apple soda drew me in. these are the things that drinking the soda made me think of:

• kermit urine
• the currently scary parts of japan
• greedo

when i put the soda near the tv, its light illuminated the soda's bright green liquid like something out of a recently-released, likely-stupid comic book movie. it was CRAZY. as for the beverage, it wasn't as sweet & tart as i'd expected & as a result, it's the first even green apple-flavored product i've ever enjoyed. props to the joneses for that & i promise to keep up with them next time i'm buying soda.