#73 - patty boom-ba-latty.

aw yeah, suckas. st patty & his irish posse in the hizzouse! let's give it up for the people i have the highest percentage of ancestry with! sorry my lesser perecentage brethren from canada, france, belgium, germany & scotland. when you create a crazy-ass drinking holiday, i'll give it up for you too.

for now, one-two one-two. check it. i'm from the boston area, so i definitely know me some st pattys day. growing up, we had a green felt erin go brah pennant hanging in our house. whereas st pattys day was a good time as a kid & to some extent up until college, now the holiday makes me want to employ some whacking day tactics a la the simpsons a la st patrick on just about everyone.

that's one of the downfalls to living in a large city. all the sudden, mid-march comes & thousands of people start wearing green like it's halloween & other people from other cities come to your city & take to the streets, get wasted, puke & fight, all in the name of the irish. i wonder how many of them, other than those who are actually irish, have any clue about the recent political violence in northern ireland...or that there is a northern ireland...or what the color green actually represents...or that at one time, st patrick was represented by the color blue.

this year, since st pattys fell on a tuesday, the holiday started two days early for a lot of people...on saturday the 15th. didn't someone somewhere once say something about bewaring ides at some point during this particular month? i seem to remember something, so i tried to stay away from the city this weekend & stayed in brooklyn, where idiots in green cat-in-the-hat getups & drunken girls with green sparkles & beads & stumbly walks in impractical heels are kept to a bare minimum.

#73 - patty boom-ba-latty.
snack: tico's plantain chips
drink: mcsorleys ale

then tonight, on the actual holiday, i left work & fled the chaos of times sq for astoria/queens to have a power meeting at the abode of musical genius & society darling james call of the missing teens. post-power meeting (& a couple yuengling black & tans), we went around the corner to his local pub, sunswick, for the obligatory st pattys day beer. they have something like twenty beers on tap, but it's friggin st pattys so i wanted to go irish & a guinness is way too obvious, so i went with a mcsorleys ale...it sounded irish enough.

turns out that other than the name, it's not very irish at all. in fact, it's made by pabst. the irish have been tricked again! it tastes better than a pabst, but not much.

when i got home, after an hour train ride, i hadn't had dinner yet, so i cracked open a bag of tico's plantain chips to munch on. i know they're not irish, but they come in a bright, ehnaced-kermit green bag that features a cartoon parrot. the color isn't exactly an irish hue, unless you're wearing a long-sleeve shirt of this color under a short-sleeve shirt of typical irish color. then you're just fashionable, which is totally an irish quality.

as to the plantain chips, they're fairly tasty & have a simple list of ingredients, which i like...

- plantains
- vegetable oil
- salt

truth be told, plantain chips are boring though. wee lil crisps made from a bloody fruit. i'll take my hash over those wankers any day o' the week.

#72 - sexy sexed up brits.

by far, my favorite british tv show is monty python's flying circus. my current sense of humor owes a lot to repeated monty python viewings as a teenager. beyond that, my knowledge of british television doesn't really extend beyond dr who, benny hill & the millions of british shows that have been remade here in the u.s.

over in the u.k., their tv programs don't have "seasons." instead, they have "series," which is wicked classy...& the programs are actually "programmes." the comedy two pints of lager & a packet of crisps, which airs on bbc three, just started its eighth series last week. i hadn't seen anything from the first seven series, but since eight series is a lot for a british show, the other night, i went ahead & checked out the series eight premiere.

though it was funny enough, i had a hard time figuring out what was going on, partially due to the lack of knowledge behind the first seven series, but mostly because the series eight premiere also features members of two other british comedies that i've also never seen--coming of age & grownups.

i got that there are now four main characters--gaz, janet, donna & louise. i got that everyone is totally sexed up & full of whitty double-entendres. also, i got that there's a closeted but super gay bar owner named tim at the bar they always hang at. he rules.

but still, i was confused...so i went back tonight & watched series seven. the first episode was broadcast live & in it, the fifth main character from the first six series, jonny (janet's husband), is away in hawaii, as he won a competition & is going shark-jumping. by the end of the episode, janet learns that jonny has been eaten by a shark.

throughout the season's eight episodes, louise gets preggers and donna & gaz get married. by the final episode, donna & gaz have broken it off, janet & gaz have fallen in love & louise has given birth to a girl. through it all, there's all sorts of sexy fun talk, all in sexy british accents...not bad overall.

#72 - sexy sexed up brits.
snack: walker's worcester sauce potato crisps / walker's thai sweet chilli crisps
drink: yuengling lager / stella artois

when i first watched the series eight premiere, i settled down with an american-made yuengling lager & a packet of walker's worcester sauce potato crisps. when i went back to watch series seven today, i treated myself to a stella artois & a packet of walker's thai sweet chilli crisps.

walker's is a u.k. snack food manufacturer that was founded back in the 1880s, but is now owned by frito-lay (pepsico), which explains the logo's similarity to that of lay's potato chips. since the front of the package says "it's back!" i guess that the worcester sauce flavour went away for a while.

at first, i wasn't sure if these would taste like the streets of that lovely city in central massachusetts, but in the end, i liked the flavour. it had a slight, not-too-overpowering mustard & worcestershire sauce taste. still, the second bag of walker's, the thai sweet chilli flavour, was definitely the better of the two flavours. the chips were abnormally round but covered with tasty lil red & green thai spices. i downed the bag pretty quickly.

as to the lagers, both are pretty much just your run-of-the-mill beers. the first, the yuengling, is from a pennsylvania company that has been around since friggin' forever (1829). although the taste isn't anything special, i definitely prefer a yuengling to a bud or a coors light any day of the week, since it at least has some flavor & is somewhat in the same price range as those aforementioned crap beers.

the stella artois almost didn't make it into this entry. originally, i bought a can of old speckled hen ale, since it's all british & whatnot, but as it turned out, i was watching two pints... and gaz was drinking a can of stella (has anyone else ever seen one of these?). coincidentally, a friend of mine left a six-pack of stella bottles in my fridge last night, so the old speckled hen totally got bumped. c'est la vie.

anyway, in my book, beerwise, the stella's on the same page as the yuengling--cheap enough & better-tasting than a bud. also, stella has been around for a long time too...since 1926. all told, while watching two pints... i had 1.45 pints of lager & two packets of crisps, which is close enough to the show's title when you add it all up.

THAT'S IT!!! TV MONTH IS OVER BITCHEZ!!!

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#65 - it's a mad mad mad mad tv.

if there's one thing that fox can say it's consistently kicked ass in over the years, it's comedy...& i suppose, if you're a bombastic prick, you might also say they've kicked ass in news coverage, but then you deserve a good kick in the nuts too.

just look at the list of awesome comedy-based programming that they've been home to, all with varying run lengths...married with children (11 seasons), the ben stiller show (1 season), arrested development (3 seasons), the simpsons (20 seasons), family guy (7 seasons), in living color (5 seasons), that 70s show (8 seasons), the critic (1 season), get a life (2 seasons), herman's head (3 seasons)...the animated sit down, shut up (with like half the cast of arrested development doing voices) premieres near the end of april. i already assume that it's genius.

in their history, fox has made a mixture of great & awful decisions as far as which programs to keep or cancel. madtv has managed to stick around for 14 seasons now & is finally ending its time on fox after the current season. over time, even though it too can have its fair share of groan-worthy sketches, i've become a bigger fan of madtv than i am of snl.

this saturday's episode opened with a sketch with two people watching a disturbing commercial for a dog declipper. in it, they kept showing a closeup diagram of how the clipper worked, which involved yanking at the claw and slicing off the nail, all to the sound of a dog yelp. the couple squirmed & squirmed & the sketch ended with another commercial for a product that proposed to aid in "papercuts to the cornea." the sketch then returned two sketches later with a commercial for "the circumscissors."

throughout the show, there were a few sexy sketches about abstinence with miley cyrus & the jonas brothers, a celebrity roast of a dying child, a series of "t-mobile fave 5" sketches with bushie the second, angelina jolie & michelle obama, two bobby lee sketches--one with him in a diaper as cupid & one with him as "the blind kung fu master," a sketch where a firm comes up with a new image for a manufacturer of douchebags and a few other "gems." it was humorous enough.

#65 - it's a mad mad mad mad tv.

snack: stacy's cinnamon sugar pita chips
drink: samuel adams imperial white

as i spent the hour watching & writing down notes about madtv, i dug into a bag of stacy's cinnamon sugar pita chips. they're baked & wheat-based & essentially healthy and stacy madison (the co-founder) got her start in boston, so that's cool. the company's currently based out of randolph, a yawntastic town located just south of boston that i never found the need to go to in my 20+ years growing up in the area. their website is pitachips.com, so i guess that pretty much makes them the masters of the pita chip.

i'm a fan of pita chips. they're never greasy & their thickness makes them a substantial & satisfying snack item, especially when combined with the right amount of flavoring. these ones have a cinnamon sugar flavoring that's never overpowering & when you do get a chip that's abound in flavor, it's a sweet treat & no reason to complain...plus, the flavor reminds me of the main reason my moms got me to eat so much toast growing up.

with the chips, i'm enjoying a beer from another boston-based company, the samuel adams imperial white. it's one of three beers (along with the double bock & imperial stout) in their "imperial" series. it's a fruity witbeir and i enjoyed it (even sipped it as suggested by their website) and thought that the orange & coriander flavors went well with the cinnamon sugar...in fact, it was going so well & i was feeling good that when midnight rolled around & madtv ended & talk show with spike feresten came on, i leapt up like a coked-up leopard & shut that tv down before it was too late...catlike pita & beer reflexes, i tell ya...quicklike.

#56 - stay positive.

so as i sort of mentioned previously, here's the thing that happens during the winter...it gets cold & i tend to stay indoors more than a good lil nun & i end up feelin' more sad & illin' in the winter than in any other month & the crazy uncertainty of the economy doesn't help stem that stuff...but last week, we swore in a new optimistic president, one who was elected behind the message of hope/change (& a national grassroots machine as well-oiled as the 2007 new england patriots). bring it on, obama. ASAP.

let's take a quick look at today's layoff figures, according to an article from today's ny times:

united states
caterpillar - 20,000 jobs
sprint nextel - 8,000 jobs
home depot - 7,000 jobs
pfizer/wyeth - 8,000 jobs
general motors - 2,000 jobs

worldwide
ing - 7,000 jobs
phillips - 6,000 jobs
corus - 3,500 jobs

TOTAL = 61,500 jobs

that is a lot of jobs. the article goes on to mention that we've lost 2.59 million jobs since december of 2007. that is A LOT of jobs. that's like the entire population of vermont, alaska & the dakotas. but like the hold steady advise, i will try to stay positive. but how can i stay positive when iceland's government is collapsing, hold steady?!!! how?!!! how can i stay positive when everybody is batshit freaking out & running around with scissors in their hands slashing jobs & dumping stocks & shuttering operations?!!! at this rate, six months from now, i won't even be able to afford all these exclamation points!!!

a gmail chat with a friend earlier today:
michael: wheee! the 'conomy!
me: it's like plinko!

can't we just toss bernie madoff & a couple random banking execs & a few virgins into the fiery economy pit to appease the gods & bring this all to a swift end?

i hope that in 2009, people will CHILL THE F OUT ON THE ECONOMY. obama has it all figured out, obviously, people. relax.

i hope that in 2009, i will be able to land a job digging a ditch...& when i am done with that job, i will fill that ditch back up with dirt.

i hope that in 2009, i will not have to blog about "bread."

#56 - stay positive.

snack: tyrrell's beef & horseradish potato chips
drink: a&w root beer float

a few weeks back, i picked up a bag of these tyrrell's beef & horseradish potato chips, made by a british company. they're an "artisan delicacy" made with lady rosetta potatoes thank you very much. there's a cow on the front of the bag. it says his name is "sir walter tyrrell." he looks pretty happy as he sits lazily in the fields. i can only assume that since the company gave him a name & put him on the bag, that he's been spared the fate of dying to provide the natural beef flavouring that flavours these deliciously beefy chips. oh! on the back here, it says he lives with "his 40 lady friends!" what a stud. i guess none of them go into the chips...or do they? ooh! they could offer special "sir walter tyrrell" bags maybe? i'd pay twice the $5 i paid for this bag to know there was a little bit of their mascot in every bite. til then, stay positive, british mascot cow!

seriously, go to the a&w float website, especially if you have a slow internet connection. what you will see is written here, in white, so you can highlight the following text & read it & spoil the awesomeness if you want, or you can go to the website & see a bottle of a&w float violently jerking itself around in circles while the page loads! hilariously awesomely nauseous web graphics!

web graphics won't save this beverage though. when poured into a glass, it looks quite similar to another familiar beverage...

...and that is where the similarities end. every time i raise the glass to my nose it just, it just smells like a putrid caramel. i think that's the best way to describe it. it's tremendously sweet (63g sugar!) & syrupy & i suppose it's similar to if you made a root beer float & then forgot about it on the counter & went out to the picture shows & then came back later that night & then you were all "crap, my root beer float!" & through your tears, you tried to stay positive, panting & crying "it's still ok! it's still ok!" as you hastily carried the melted remains to the fridge, where you left them overnight & then drank them up cold the next morning.

it's sort of like that, but with better packaging, packaging that claims that the beverage is "rich, creamy, and so delicious you won't believe it comes in a bottle." you're right, a&w. i can't believe this comes in a bottle. shame on you.

EDIT: also thousands of layoffs at ibm & texas instruments. wait...texas instruments still exists?

#51 - ice ice baby.

oh, winter! you are much crueller than anything april has ever thrown at me. it is an indisputable fact that i hate the cold weather & side effects of it that accompany you. runny noses? hate em. damp feet? hate em. watery eyeballs? hate em. having to wear lots of clothes? i'm no nudist & like pants as much as the next guy but...hate it. at times, i'm definitely one of those people who get some form of winter depression.

i grew up in new hampshire & no, i don't ski or snowboard or ice skate or snowmobile or toboggan. don't even own a pair of snowshoes, if you can believe that. my winter sport is often hibernating & being warm & putting on an extra layer of fat for the winter & watching lots of movies/tv shows. watched myself towelhead a few days back & really liked it. the lead, summer bishil, is a pretty hot 20-year old in real life, but in the movie, she does a 90210 & plays a 13-year old, which is decidedly unhot. thus far, there is nothing that alan ball, who directed the film, has done that is bad...writer of american beauty, creator of six feet under & true blood & director of towelhead. the last decade, dude's batting 1.000...a regular john paciorek.

...so it was saturday night & i was watching the arizona cardinals-atlanta falcons game & during commercial, i was trying to come up with a title for this blog entry. i was thinking of going with "baby it's cold outside" or "winter wonderbland" or something abstract like "32° F." as my mind eventually drifted to "ice ice baby," the game returned from commercial & did so with a short segment about atlanta falcons quarterback matt ryan, whose nickname is apparently "matty ice." the song that was playing in the background during the segment..."ice ice baby." therefore, my badass psychic coincidence has dubbed this post...

#51 - ice ice baby.

snack: pringles loaded baked potato crisps
drink: great divide brewing co. hibernation ale

i've tried pretty much every pringle there is, but i can't remember trying the baked potato flavor until this weekend. saturday afternoon, when i was out & about gathering essential foods & beers & doing adult errands all at once so that i wouldn't have to go outside in the cold again, i stopped by the rite aid to procure q-tips & figured that i'd give the snack aisle a browse. there were some rite aid bargains going on & a number of shelves were picked clean. all pringle flavors were on sale for 99¢, but it appeared that they were possibly on sale because somebody had crushed a box of them, perhaps under a pachyderm or submarine or such. the one remaining can of pringles loaded baked potato crisps appeared to be uncrushed, however, so i made them mine.

they're pretty run of the mill as far as pringles go...definitely no screamin' dill pickle. the website claims they're supposed to taste like "cool sour cream," "crispy bacon" and "gooey cheese." i guess they're sort of like a loaded baked potato. that baked potato has so much money! that baked potato has ulterior motives! that baked potato is wasted! be careful with that baked potato! it's loaded!

in honor of the impending future months, i'm having my baked potato flavor with a bottle of great divide brewing co. hibernation ale. it's an english style old ale...tasty enough. i guess it's supposed to keep you warm during the winter months. apparently it's won a bunch of awards & accolades. a suggested pairing (from the label): aged, hard dutch cow's milk cheese. i guess pringles are sort of like that.