snack away! #4 - all the dick in d.c...

throughout high school and college, i worked at a supermarket in nh as a stock clerk so i certainly know my way around the aisles. i knew where everything in grocery was; i probably still do for my high school store. stuffing? aisle 2: veg. kleenex? aisle 14: bulk paper. beef bullion? aisle 3: spag. hell, i even knew the tricky stuff. capers? nice try. aisle 8: glass. i was also familiar with the really weird things that people rarely bought and i'd only stock a case of once a year... potted meat product, nutella, mrs. dash? who buys this crap? (ed note: hell yeah, nutella!)

a few weeks back it was under somewhat peckish circumstances that i found myself behind the cart at my local fashionable-sweatpants-yuppie-supermarket in suburban washington d.c. i had picked up my normal assorted veggies and meats and breads and was banking a hard right into aisle 5: ethnic/imported foods...might as well grab some kind of funky sauce to douse the chicken with one evening. while i examined a jar of curry to make sure it would make me sorry i bought it the next day, a can i hadn't stumbled on before caught my eye.


spotted dick indeed. if you're going to stump me on a grocery item, it better be ethnic and it better be something i'd never eat. bonus points if there is an intercontinental sexual slang innuendo. after some examination and research, it is apparently some sort of british canned pudding priced at a decidedly ambitious $5.99 per can. american. now mind you, i wouldn't characterize myself as a fan of dick by american definition, so it never crossed my mind that i might buy this version, but two weeks and one guest blog invitation later, here i am in the kitchen with a can opener ready to crack open this little tin of love from the venerable heinz corporation. somehow i don't think this qualifies as one of the 57 original heinz varieties.

snack away! #4 - all the dick in d.c...
guest blogger: todd martin, washington, d.c.

snack: heinz spotted dick sponge pudding
drink: twinings english breakfast tea

so it's about 4:00 and i'm thinking a british snack would hit the spot, so i'm breaking out the heinz spotted dick sponge pudding. the directions instruct me to open the top of the can, run a knife around the perimeter, turn upside down, and open the other side to push the product out. i would soon find that the last two steps are not necessary as a brick of dick immediately smashed onto my counter as soon as i turned the can over. not encouraging.

it smells decent enough - more like a canned cake-like confection with raisins as opposed to a pudding. bill cosby would seemingly not approve. i did not realize there was cooking involved and am ill-prepared for this event. according to the directions, i now have the option to steam or microwave this thing. in the interest of time, i go with the latter and also toss in a mug of water with the hope that the spotted dick aroma doesn't turn it into something almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. i'm not exactly sure what made me go all cheeky with the beverage as well, but what the heck.


hey, you know what? not bad! it's cakey and warm and wholesome. really sweet. i would guess the spices include molasses and cinnamon, maybe even pumpkin. i never thought i would like it at first glance but it just goes to show you never judge a dick by its cans. the twinings english breakfast tea complimented it well, perhaps a bit over-steeped but good nonetheless. i have some dick saved for the girlfriend on thursday and you might even find this on my grocery list in the near future.

todd martin is a struggling architectural designer in washington d.c. you should totally have him redo your kitchen.

#40 - mr shawn goes to washington.

yesterday, i took a trip down to the d.c. area to spend an afternoon, evening & morning with mr tadley martin, friend from high school & beyond. previously, i'd been to the city (or the "doggone capitol," as i, quite cleverly i might add, like to call it) twice in my life.

the first time i went was when i was working at ny press. i won the january monthly sales contest & that month's prize was that in the following month, i got to attend the annual association of alternative newsweeklies (a.a.n.) eastern conference with my boss & the publisher. we stayed at the renaissance mayflower hotel, where reagan apparently took breakfast. we had a quick bite there one day & though i can't be entirely sure, i bet there was probably some pol at least as evil as reagan sitting a nearby table as we enjoyed our salads. one afternoon, i did myself a few hours of "lookin' at junk"...memorials & monuments & whatnot. somewhere, there's a mini dv tape of my adventures.

one night, a group of us went to an ethiopian joint in adams-morgan. it was my first experience with ethiopian food & the injera bread, or as it was dubbed that evening due to its rolled-up nature--"penis bread." "floppy penis bread" was also acceptable nomenclature. we ended the night (please note that i may actually, in my head, be squashing two evenings of memories into one evening) at a salvadorian restaurant in lord knows what area of the city. we had been drinking a bunch that night & the restaurant had a side room with salsa music & dancing. we went in there & i, non-dancer that i am, obviously took up the invitation of a short salvadorian woman when she asked me to dance & we danced to the music as she quickly taught me how to salsa & together we salsaed our butts off over the course of the next (what seemed like an) hour. color me gay but my favorite part was when she spun me round, which she did more times than you can count on your normal human hands. it was only later, after we left, that my group informed me that they had been debating whether or not i'd end up on the receiving end of a blade before the night's end, as i danced oblivious to the glare of the woman's boyfriend and/or brother, who was sitting at a table in the corner.

the next night i got home to brooklyn & got mugged by two ass clowns who stole all the spending cash i received as part of my sales contest prize & then the police caught them within the hour, after following the ass clowns' tracks through the snow.

the 2nd time i went was to hang out with mr tadley martin when he lived across the river from d.c. in virginia in what i want to say was an area called ballston. we made an evening trip to black cat for a britpop/indie rock dance night. good times.

#40 - mr shawn goes to washington.
snack: utz smokin' sweet kettle classic chips
drink: sweet leaf cherry limeade

this time, i stayed with tadley in his swinging bachelor pad in rosslyn, va, a pad complete with a bathroom with good face wash & some sort of heated hair device, both of which could either be his or his girlfriend's. it's an interesting area, with lots of modern-looking construction & towers built on the hills just across the river from d.c., a placement (just outside the city limits) that allows them to build taller buildings. d.c. has a height restriction on buildings. originally, it was nothing taller than the capitol (289 feet). now the limit is the width of the adjacent street + 20 feet. virginia has no such restrictions...an interesting washington post article about the effects of the heights restrictions here.

near his place, there was a lil' convenient store that we went to a few times over the course of 24 hours. naturally, i was intrigued by their snack selection, as convenient store snack selections are often largely regional & i love that kind of crap. on my first trip there, i got a bag of blue diamond maui onion & garlic almonds. i was all "dude, what?" i have never seen these in new york, even at target, who could possibly have the finest selection of blue diamond nuts in the city outside of the west village...but i digress.

they also had two utz kettle flavors that i've yet to come across here in nyc--smokin' sweet kettle classics and salt & malt vinegar. on the front of the package of the smokin' sweet ones are the words "spicy heat with a kiss of sweet"...just like my love makin' stee-lo...so i had no choice but to choose those for later snacking purposes.

as i write tonight, i'm enjoying those chips & with them, i'm having me a bottle of sweet leaf cherry limeade that i picked up upon my arrival back in brooklyn this evening. the non-threatening cartoon granny on the label was also on a decal affixed to the door of a local convenient store, plugging her sweet leaf teas & beckoning for me to come check her out when i was done picking out a quart of milk. when i was done, i went over to visit her & couldn't resist her allure. her cherries. her lime. her ade. her promises of "homemade goodness in a bottle"...so i went with the cherry limeade.

dear label granny,

unfortunately, i don't enjoy your creation. like, if the flavor of the best flavored lemonade ever is equivalent to making out with a really hot chick, the the flavor of your cherry limeade is equivalent to making out with, well...a granny. catch my drift?...but seriously, granny...you seem like a very nice person.

yours in beverage,
shawn.