snackdown! - 2.19.10

it's official, world. it's been a world-class week ever since they lit up the doobie-inspired olympic flame in vancouver last friday. personally, i haven't watched a single minute of the games but from what i hear, we've already had triumph & heartbreak & even death. throughout it all, we've had copious mcdonald's commercials advertising their "sweet chili sauce," the very same duck saucesque sauce eaten by olympians in the olympic village! the same sauce eaten by all those world-class athletes who've decided to wait until the week of competition to say "fuck all" to the strict diets they've been adhering to during their years of training & start wolfing down athlete-sized portions of chicken mcnuggets. maybe the curlers are able to get away with eating mcdonalds, but i'm even skeptical of that. regardless...world-class week.

• last friday, as part of little debbie's 50th anniversary celebration event, airtran unveiled the "little debbie 1," a boeing 717 jet with little debbie's smiling face plastered onto the side of it. in addition to introducing the plane, airtran & little debbie be cross-promotin', giving away fifty vacation packages to lucky customers. at the event, they also announced the winner of their little debbie look-a-like contest, tennessee seven-year old rhea lynne connor. i don't know. she sorta looks like little debbie. since she won, her face is going to be featured on boxes of little debbie for a limited time. too bad she doesn't get it on the side of a plane. (seattle post-intelligencer)


• in the category of "that's bloody disgusting," starting today chessington world of adventures, a u.k. theme park, will be giving away free sample bags of edible insects to guests. theme park general manager david smith has given the insect treats a test & gives them the thumbs up, but he's general manager of a theme park with an area called "beanoland," so you sort of have to take his opinion with a grain of salt. if it turns out that people actually enjoy the bags of edible insects, they plan to start selling them in "wild asia," the new asian-themed area of the park. what can we learn from this? asian people are synonymous with eating bugs. (the telegraph)


• are you obsessively following the olympics? does anyone even do that anymore? if you are olympic-obsessed, you're probably the type of person who would get a kick out of making your very own olympic-themed snacks. luckily, the philly inquirer has offered up a recipe for nanaimo bars, a british columbia coffee shop staple. the treats, which are named for a town on vancouver island, are made up of three layers, "a chocolate-graham cracker base embedded with coconut and nuts; a buttercream middle enriched with vanilla custard; and a smooth dark chocolate top." if you're fancy, you can even top them with icing in the shape of the olympic rings. they're apparently pretty fattening, but what do you care? it's not like you're competing in the olympics or anything. (philadelphia inquirer)


• i don't know what's up with nicolas sarkozy's conservative-republican party, but they seem to have issues with the french muslim population. first they go & ban burqas & headscarves & now that quickburger (a local chain) has started serving burgers made with beef slaughtered according to sharia law, they've got their panties in a bunch again. apparently they're extremely concerned that the existence of sharia meat will lead to cultural isolation. um, yeah. the best way to promote cultural harmony is to take issue with a certain section of the population's religious-based dietary habits. that makes perfect sense. keep up the good work, france! (ynetnews)


• cnn, the cable news channel known for seamlessly blending disaster stories, celebrity breakdowns & political scandal into award-winning news programs, has jumped on the snack bandwagon with their "snack nation" column, a part of their tokyo-based "cnn go" coverage. the column, which provides coverage of different japanese snacks, has in the past taken a look at items such as "chocolate sparkling soda" & "pepsi azuki" (a red bean-based beverage). this week, they reviewed kirin's "espresso tea," a black tea product. according to the review, it actually tastes more like a cafe au lait than espresso, but what did you expect? after all, it's a tea leaf-based canned beverage. from what i can tell, there's not a lick of "espresso" in it...crazy japanese. (cnn go)

nosh nook #196 - monday, december 14, 2009

boy suspended from school for selling crisps (link)
12.14.09 - bbc news

did i say that peeps were getting a little too insane with their efforts to regulate kids' nutrition in the schools or did i not say that? i believe that i did say that. i mean, it's great that they're thinking of the children, but american parents & teachers & school boards have been going all spanish inquisition recently trying to put policies & initiatives in place in an attempt to combat childhood obesity. what gets me is that our education system is FUCKED & they're worried about whether or not sally & timmy are eating cool ranch doritos for lunch. how's about you get sally & timmy involved in some sort of outdoor extracurricular activity? i did as a kid & it kept me active & healthy despite a healthy diet of cool ranch doritos. maybe if you laid off of the convenient snack food-bashing you'd have time to focus on bettering their education.

the campaign for healthy children is by no means limited to the u.s. according to the bbc, last week a 12-year old boy in liverpool "was allegedly caught selling a packet of crisps at a marked-up price at cardinal heenan catholic high school" & as a result, was told "to stay away from school" the following day. the school apparently cares about their students' health, so when they caught lil' joel bradley hawking crisps for a second time, they suspended him. screw that american three strikes & you're out shizz! take the day off, sonny! anyway, their policy must be cricket-related or something, but i don't know jack about that loony, wicket-based sport, so i can't be 100% sure.

whatever the policy is, it's focused on keeping kids healthy. head teacher dave forshaw said that "we are a healthy school and proud of it. we are committed to the health of our students and it is very rare for parents to complain about us confiscating crisps, chocolate, lucozade and coca cola." um, what the hell is lucozade? it's actually a sports drink, but it sounds like some sort of british pharmy, so i agree that 12-year old kids shouldn't be selling it at school. what i don't agree with is kids being suspended for trying to spread the wonder of crisps to their mates & making a buck in the process. maybe if lil' joel bradley had pulled a blade on a fellow classmate because he tried to steal his crisps, i could see suspending him, but the boy was just selling crisps. take away his crisps, get him into a business class ASAP & move on, snack haters.

nosh nook #190 - saturday, december 5, 2009

crisp lover changes name to mr monster munch (link)
12.3.09 - the telegraph

i lived a fairly tame high school existence. unlike a lot of folks, during my four years of high school, i never once drank & none of my friends did either. instead, we amused ourselves with such hilarity as "eat weird shit night," where we'd hang out at a friend's house & over the course of the evening, see who could consume the craziest items in exchange for money, from tobasco sauce & flowers to sticks of butter & cupfuls of sauces & juices. it was essentially the non-drinker's equivalent of seeing who could drink the most beers. it was all part of that distinctly male desire to prove yourself & surprise your friends by accepting their dares & pushing the limits of typical behavior. dudes love challenging each other. i mean, it was no male boob job or tucker max experience, but it was fun.

in the uk, one guy recently used his obsession with snacks to amaze his mates. according to the telegraph, in a feat of extraordinary daredom, a 26-year old plumber who used to be named chris hunt changed his name to "monster munch" in honor of the walkers-produced crisps. apparently he eats them non-stop throughout the day, even devising "recipes to include monster munch in rice and pasta dishes." since he's so obsessed, his friends dared him to change his name & to their surprise he totally went through with it. now he "demand(s) to be called either 'monster' or 'mr munch'.'' hilarious! best. name. ever.

since he's constantly eating crisps, you'd think that mr munch, who "starts the day with packet of pickled onion monster munch, has a roast beef monster munch sandwich for lunch and a flamin' hot flavour bag for dinner" would be all out-of-shape & whatnot, but he's not. monster told the telegraph "i make sure i eat a balanced diet and i run 35 miles a week and train in the gym three times a week." that's probably a good idea, since being named "monster munch" isn't as cool when it refers to your weight. the whole thing's actually a bit inspiring. i've wanted to change my name to "phil r upp" for some time now. maybe now i can work up the courage to actually make that happen & impress my friends.

the musical fruit: movement #25.

the musical fruit: movement #25.
song: "all you need is love," the beatles
fruit: blackberries

due to the combo of the digital switchover & the death of my digital converter, my TV has been in non-functioning mode for a few weeks now, so i've been catching a bunch of my shows (heroes, glee, the daily show) via the interweb & with that comes the thrill of REPETITIVE PREROLL ADS! YAY! one ad i've been coming across at a disgustingly alarming rate is for blackberry. in it, we see a hip, twenty-something band (daytona lights) as they try to make it as rock stars, all while a cover of the beatles' "all you need is love" plays over the ad. guess what happens at the end. that's right. they totally make it. the tagline: "do what you love." the underlying message: "all you need is love...& a blackberry." there's nothing you can do that can't be done (without a blackberry). there's nothing you can sing that can't be sung (without a blackberry). it makes me want to punch a puppy. a nike revolution it is not. at least nike used the original song in their ad instead of some hipped-up cover, which is apparently not even by the band in the ad. i guess it's just another chapter (chapter 1, chapter 2) in a year of crass beatles' commercialism.

as for the original "all you need is love," it does not make me want to punch a puppy. in fact, my reaction is quite the opposite. the song was originally released as a single & then as part of their 1967 album the magical mystery tour, the album that came out in conjunction with the artsy beatles tv film of the same name. the song wasn't actually in the film, but when record execs wanted to release an album of songs in the film in the US, they didn't have enough material for a full record, so they added the song along with a bunch of other singles & B-sides. the band had first performed the song earlier in the year as part of our world (the first ever live, international satellite broadcast). they played it in a studio accompanied by an orchestra & a bunch of famous musicians (jagger, keith moon, etc) who sat on the floor watching & clapping & singing along. 400 million people all around the world were watching. it was 1967, the vietnam war was still raging & the simple message behind the song was absolutely undeniable. love is all you need. it sure as hell wasn't about selling handheld devices.

while i don't really need or want a handheld device, i did need & want a bunch of blackberries a few days back, so i headed on over to my local produce mart. will you take a look at that bowl? DAMN! SO good. they were about as fresh as you can get here in the city without picking them right off a bush. as a kid growing up in NH, we definitely did our fair share of berry picking, blackberries included, which made it easy to know that you were getting fresh, tasty ones. here in the city, you're often playing with fire. basically, if you're looking to munch on fresh blackberries, you have a short window of time before they become all mushy & disgusting. luckily, my purchased blackberries fell into the window of freshness, so i was able to fully enjoy them without worrying about them being nasty.

some folks can't stand blackberries because they have little seeds in them, but they don't bother me in the least. seriously, blackberries are awesome enough that you just need to suck it up & eat some seeds. i got a few seeds stuck in my teeth whilst eating them but when it boils down to it, they're full of antioxidants & vitamins & fiber & junk, so by eating 10-20 of them, i essentially counteracted all the shitty things i've put into my system over the past few days. did i mention that there's nothing you can do that can't be done (without blackberries)? it's true. i polished off that bowl pictured above & in the end, when i was done, i was able to perform multiple, non-witnessed, beatles-influenced cartwheels in my living room & ultimately realized that, in addition to needing the fruitiness of blackberries, all i need is love. now maybe if the two remaining beatles could use love to end all of the stupid wars that america's involved in, i could sleep easily at night & i wouldn't need fruity deliciousness (or a handheld device) to convince myself that everything's going to be ok. fuck iraq & afghanistan. there's nothing you can do that can't be done, including withdrawing from multiple unjust wars. love is all you need.

#137 - you down with ODB?

i'm not sure how many of you are aware of this, but in order to enter the wu-tang, you must bring the ol' dirty bastard type slang. it's true. ODB said so on "da mystery of chessboxin'," off the wu-tang clan's debut album enter the wu-tang (36 chambers). if you're looking to bring the ol' dirty bastard type slang, all you have to do is put some marbles in your mouth & go on an offbeat, occasionally sung rant. the rest will take care of itself. ODB, who died of a drug overdose back in november of 2004, would have been 41 this past sunday. in honor of his birthday, i spent a good part of the day hanging out at my apartment whilst blasting his two solo albums from my tiny apple speakers & doing a bunch of head boppin'.

his 1995 debut album, return to the 36 chambers: the dirty version, is my favorite of the two, with tracks like "shimmy shimmy ya" & "brooklyn zoo." on it, you get a bounty of half-sung, half-rapped lyrics like "cause I create rhymes good as a tasty cake." there's even a song with him singing the chorus to "somewhere over the rainbow." obviously. over four years later, he released his second album, nigga please, with plain white album art featuring nothing but a photo of him jheri-curled up like rick james. it's a funkier album at times & features two neptunes' produced tracks. the first is a sweet cover of rick james' "cold blooded," which is perfect for ODB, who loves to get to warblin' every once in a while. the second is "got your money," which was the album's only single & also helped introduce the world to kelis, who we've since forgotten about.

by that second album, he was getting into a lot of good ol fashion trouble, which led to the four year wait between albums. we're talking arrests, gunshot wounds, drug possession, life as a fugitive, jail time...all that good stuff. in 97, he took a limo to the welfare office to pick up his check, all while an mtv crew filmed him. remember the 1998 grammy awards, when he took the mic before shawn colvin gave her acceptance speech, rambled for a bit & declared that "wu-tang is for the children?" that was awesome. it was like my generation's "imma let you finish." that was around the same time when he starting calling himself "big baby jesus," just one of many pseudonyms he used over the years. so yeah, his rapping was epic but his behavior was too...sad but entertaining.

his legacy lives on. this past tuesday, a new, posthumous ODB album entitled message to the other side (osirus part 1) came out on money maker entertainment. the record was created from the wu-tang vaults & features a ton of guests, including the RZA on a quarter of the tracks. it even comes with a bonus DVD. i'm extremely skeptical of posthumous albums. they're often culled together from existing material, which is often sparse. plus, i'm of the opinion that wu-tang productions have declined in quality over the years, so there's a good chance that the album could be absolutely awful. hopefully it's not though. ODB doesn't need some lame posthumous album sullying his reputation like that.

#137 - you down with ODB?
snack: dirty chips funky fusion flavor
drink: arrogant bastard ale



since sunday was ODB day, i chose to snack on a bag of funky fusion flavor dirty chips while i listened to his albums. the funky fusion flavor's one of a few new flavors that dirty chips just put out (along with smoky chipolte & pesto parmesan). according to their website, which appears to have been designed some time back in the nineties, the funky fusion flavor "defies description! a little sour, no, a little sweet, no, a little salty, no, a little creamy, no, a little tangy, no........just enjoy!" dear dirty chips. your use of punctuation is too radical even for my tastes. NINE commas in one sentence? what is that? a triple ellipsis? seriously though, unless the owner has a thirteen-year old daughter & she's writing copy for the website, you should probably watch it with the punctuation. thanks.

since i'm a professional, despite dirty chips' claim that they defy description, i'm going to attempt to describe them. i figure it's the least i can do, so here goes: they taste sort of like a spring roll from a thai restaurant. see? that wasn't so hard. they definitely have an asian flavor to them & in classic dirty chips style, that flavor is in abundance. there's a lot going on with them. it's like an EXPLOSION of funky fusion. as for the texture, you can't beat the crunch of a dirty chip. still, even though they're kettle cooked & all natural, they're slightly greasy & full of a bunch of fat & sodium. health concerns aside, i definitely enjoyed them though.

to complete sunday's ODB tribute, i had a 22 oz bottle of arrogant bastard ale along with the funky dirty chips. the arrogant bastard's made by stone brewing co., who brews out of sunny san diego. a little known fact about san diego (home of the padres & ron burgundy): discovered by the germans in 1904, they named it san diego, which of course in german means a whale's vagina. i guess that the devilish dude on the front of the bottle is the arrogant bastard. he's kind of a lil bitch. in order to access his website, in addition to certifying that you're 21, you have to certify that you're "not a fizzy yellow beer drinking ninny here under false pretenses." according to the front of the bottle, i'm not worthy of drinking it. screw you arrogant bastard devil mascot. you don't know me.

the arrogant bastard's beer is decidedly less arrogant than his website & bottle. the ale pours with a dark reddish-orange color & a rich, hoppy smell. with the abundance of hops & all the bastard's talk about arrogance, i was expecting a harsh taste, but it's actually pretty smooth & drinkable & it's definitely something that i'm going to return to in the future. i'm pretty sure it's not something ODB would have drank, but i wasn't really in the mood for a 40 oz of old english this weekend. forty ounces are more of a summertime thing for me. anyway, at least it's brewed by someone who believes in carrying on the good bastard name. i think that'd make ODB proud.