#69 - somebody please shoot me in the face.

oh snap! have you guys seen fox's show hole in the wall? it is a remake of the japanese show brain wall & it has been adapted all over the world & it is totally off the chain! hole in the wall brings the people of the world together!

in this u.s. version, teams of three, in various combinations & configurations, stand on a platform & then a wall is revealed with a section cut out of it & then it starts moving toward them & they have to line their bodies up so they don't break the wall or get pushed into a pool of green liquid, which i'm 90% sure is mountain dew. it's really dramatic! tonight's teams are "female gymnasts vs male acrobats" and "surfer boys vs surfer girls."

check out this scoring system. please try to keep up. the first round is a one-player wall. if you don't break it or fall into the dew, you get one point. round two is a two-player wall. it is worth two points. the third round features a three-player wall. it is worth three points. this is where the scoring gets tricky. after that, there is a bonus, catch-up round with a three-person double-speed wall. each person who makes it through the wall gets two points. then there is the bonus round for the winning team.

it's hosted by l.a. weather anchor mark thompson, who speaks to the people from high above on a balcony & brooke burns, who is apparently there to act pretty & interview the contestants with stupid questions. TOTALLY AWESOME stupid questions! wooooooo!

there's much use of the phrase "it's time to face the hole" in this show. also, in case you're tracking your vegas bets, tonight's two winning teams were the "handspring hotties" and the "beach bunnies." the beach bunnies even cleared the bonus wall, so they get $125K. then they all jumped in the pool of mountain dew to get wet & celebrate. go feminism.

#69 - somebody please shoot me in the face.
snack: frey tiramisu chocolate bar
drink: long trail brewmaster series coffee stout

i sure do have a thing for the swiss recently, even though they don't have a version of brain wall gracing their airwaves. tonight, i'm trying out the swiss-made, target-exclusive frey tiramisu chocolate bar while i watch fox's u.s. version of the most einsteinien game show ever invented.

i guess this tiramisu bar is about as close as you can get, in chocolate bar form, to a piece of tiramisu, so that's good. it has marscapone powder in it & that's totally the powder of the cheese that you use when making tiramisu. authentic! also, like with tiramisu, after you have eaten a few pieces, you feel so full that chances are that you won't be able to down another damn thing...well, maybe except for a cappucino or something.

since i don't have no stinkin' cappucino, a long trail brewmaster series coffee stout will have to do, i suppose. long trail is a vermont brewery & this beer comes in a 22 oz bottle that costs 11¢ less than the 12 oz canned stout i had just the other night. it's pretty much your standard coffee stout, with a dark complexion & a burnt, coffee-like taste. it goes really well with the tiramisu chocolate bar. flavorwise, they totally blend in mouth for good yum taste in mouth.

in conclusion, hole in the wall is a thinking man's game show. think jeopardy on steroids. NOT!!! [wayne's world reference]. next up on fox after hole in the wall: the simpsons! that's still a thinking man's show, right? [wayne's world reference].

#68 - what the @%#& are you worth?

seriously. this blog entry is gonna @%#& rock. you know why it's gonna @%#& rock? it's gonna @%#& rock because i, shawn parow, fully embrace the kenny powers method & if there's one thing that kenny powers isn't, it's a @%#& pussy & when you embrace the kenny powers method, you can move mountains, mother@%#& and that's what this blog entry is gonna do. it's gonna move mother@%#& mountains & i'm gonna prove my worth, blogwise to all you envious mother@%#&s.

hbo's new comedy series, eastbound & down, stars danny mcbride (recently in pineapple express) as kenny powers, a former major league baseball pitcher who rose to fame on the back of his blazing fastball. the show is now three episodes into its first season & the series opened with a montage depicting the downfall of kenny powers' baseball career. the montage includes a few john rockerlike moments & includes a great clip of kenny with the red sox, attacking a cameraman while screaming "i'm not on steroids!" it's funny because everyone knows that red sox don't use steroids.

...so his career ends & he hits rock bottom & moves in back home with his brother and his brother's wife & three kids & takes a job as the p.e. coach at the middle school. he struggles with his fall from grace & determining his worth. hilarity ensues.

the title sequence for each episode starts with a freeze frame at the end of a totally @%#& awesome kenny powers moment--kenny punching a guy out (ep.1), kenny urging a girl to wear a dental dam because "you don't know what @%#& i've got either" (ep. 2) & kenny running away from a car crash, leaving his assistant with the words "i'm gonna split cause i got priors. see you at school" (ep. 3).

overall, the series has a @%#&-ton of hilarious, swear-filled kenny powers-delivered lines. even his "assistant" (the band teacher) gets into the game:

"you're @%#&ing out!" - kenny powers' catch phrase

"you named your kid after @%#&ing titanic? [points to nephew] what's his name, @%#&ing shrek?" - to his sister-in-law, who named their daughter "rose"

"let me get this straight...i'm gonna pay for a blowjob and i gotta pay for a hotel room? i got a house. you could just come to the house and do the blowjob here...can i wear the scream mask when i do you from behind?" - on the phone to an escort service, while his sister-in-law cleans up around him

"you can smoke a @%#&ing peace pipe til your @%#& falls off but i'm not dancing with wolves no matter how high i get." - from a kenny powers "i'm @%#&ing in, you're @%#&ing out" motivational tape

"this one coach tried to put me on a weight training program and i was all, 'you and your weights can @%#& off somewhere. i ain't lifting that @%#&. it's heavy.'" - also from a kenny powers "i'm @%#&ing in, you're @%#&ing out" motivational tape

"watch it, ass blood." - kenny's assistant, bumping into a college scout they just had a confrontation with

as you can see, it's often a hilarious show...swear-filled hilarious...but it's ok that it's swear-filled, because kenny powers is a @%#&ing champion...& it's hbo.

#68 - what the @%#& are you worth?
snack: 100 grand with coconut
drink: ten fidy imperial stout

i am a @%#& high rolling, ballin' mother@%#&, bitches. here is how much this blog entry is worth:

snack = $100,000.00
drink = $4.50
total - $100,004.50

while watching eastbound & down, i had myself the most expensive candy bar in the whole @%#& world, the 100 grand with coconut. nestle was all "as it is, you american @%#&s probably don't deserve our swiss, regular, everyday 100 grand bar, packed with chocolate, caramel & crisped rice, but since we're a mother@%#&'n multinational, multi-billion dollar corporation & you hide so much money in our banks, we're ok with giving you 100 grand bars & we're also ok with giving you coconut, which you @%#& americans, for some reason, insist on having in your candy bars. you're welcome. now if you don't mind, we have to go discourage third world mothers from breastfeeding now." then they twirl their well-groomed moustaches.

multinational corporation formula agendas aside, the 100 grand with coconut is pretty damn good. while mounds, with its dark chocolate, is a solid coconut candy bar, the 100 grand with coconut benefits from having rice crisps & caramel. they blend well together & the caramel prevents the coconut from being too overpowering...plus, i feel like the airiness of the rice crisps helps enhance the flavor. overall, it's fine swiss engineering.

the chocolate flavor also blended well with my drink for the evening, the ten fidy imperial stout. it's a canned beer (ala kenny powers' drink receptacle of choice...easier to toss out the window while driving) made by the oskar blues brewery out of colorado. american engineering!

i'd picked up the beer at a local park slope gourmet foods place, grab, without really looking at the price sticker on the side of the can, so immediately after purchasing, i definitely felt the same sort of guilt you'd get after paying for a $4 pbr at some stupid lower east side bar.

luckily, unlike a pbr, this beer was @%#&ing worth the $4.50. just under the rim of the top of the can are the words "cross-eyed. cyclopean. cancupiscent." i looked up that there last word & it's a playful twist on "concupiscent," meaning this beer is lustful. it has a thick, black color that looked sweet in a glass and had a chocolaty/burnt/coffee taste that was worth both sipping & gulping...and when i was done, i crushed the can on my forehead & @%#&ing hurled that thing at the wall...& came in at 56 mph on the radar gun...looks like somebody's still @%#&ing got it.

#67 - you lost yo mind?

i was a latecomer to the world of LOST. i never got into it originally & then for years, because one of my past roommates watched both it & 24 (which i will never watch) i lumped them into the same category, "pointless." then i had enough people tell me they loved LOST, so i started watching it pretty obsessively last spring & finally caught up about a week after last season ended. by the end of watching last season, i found myself checking all sorts of LOST websites & episode guides, scouring through the minisites, building theories...i had the bug pretty bad.

...so when this season started, i was psyched to be able to watch it in real time with the rest of the world, but during the first episode, it was clear that when watching the first four seasons, i definitely benefited from having a pause button at my disposal when watching. without it, i miss/don't absorb everything that's going on. since then, i've gotten better at absorbing.

last night was 8th of 17 episodes in the season & the last episode until march 18th. after this season, there's one season left & the show's done, so they have an ending point to work towards, which probably helps....SPOILERS BELOW?

this year's theme is that a group (the oceanic six) has managed to leave the island, but in doing so, all hell breaks loose on the island, as it keeps skipping through time (because it's obviously a time machine) & the crash survivors who remained on the island have to endure through that crap...so obviously those who left need to get back to the island to save those who are still there. last night, they officially made it back to the island & met up with those who stayed behind...obviously, this happened because they all got on a plane that flew through certain coordinates & they ended up back on the island...but due to all the time skipping it is now 1974 on the island...obviously...so i have probably not been born yet...unless it is december or late november...obviously.

there have been some good moments this season (the locke suicide scene was killer), but there have also been a lot of other "history of the island" moments tossed in & lots of skipping through time, so the storyline's very disjointed, which is unsettling at times. i guess we're supposed to feel as unhinged as the characters or something.

i mean, even though there's so much going on, it's not as if LOST has become ridiculous, like heroes. it's actually an interesting device that each episode seems to have moments where you start out thinking "wait...who the f are these people?" and over time, they make their way into the storyline. it adds to the individual uniqueness of each episode. anyway, i just hope all this junk is leading somewhere good or i will personally send j.j. abrams a box of poop...not really though. after all, it's just a show.

#67 - you lost yo mind?
snack: hebert's berry good! dark chocolate bar
drink: fort collins brewery chocolate stout

while i watched the survivors play around in 1974 island time, i couldn't help but think of/get nostalgic for my childhood & luckily, while watching, i had a snack that fit that nostalgic-for-childhood theme--the hebert's berry good! dark chocolate bar.

when i was growing up in new hampshire, we'd often visit my mom's parents in westboro, mass & on the way, we'd often stop at hebert's candy mansion in shrewsbury. the mansion is this house full of all kinds of candy. we were like kids in a candy store. as a kid, i was very partial to the maple candy & the rock candy...so yeah, this dark chocolate bar made by them makes me all nostalgic & junk. i want rock candy now.

tastewise, it's my jam! it's a bar packed on top with all sorts of awesome junk--strawberries, blueberries, cranberries & white chocolate chips. i give the taste five thumbs up.

on the flip side, there was my choice of drink for the evening, the fort collins brewery chocolate stout. i give it five flaccid penises. it's totally bland & hardly chocolaty & not very stouty at all. i've enjoyed fort collins brewery beers in the past, but this one bored me. maybe it was because after eating the hebert bar, my taste buds we're so doped up on nostalgic candy goodness that nothing else could satisfy their insatiable enjoyment levels, not even a chocolaty beer from colorado.

#66 - what a re-tahd.

when i first heard about the how's your news? team (from a camp on the vineyard) a little ways back & saw the 1999 movie documenting their travels across the country, i wasn't sure what to think of the concept. essentially, you have a group of people, all disabled in some way, engaging in somewhat forced conversations with strangers. often, these conversations aren't even conversations, as the person being interviewed can't understand the interviewer or thinks that the interviewer can't understand them. somewhere in there, truths & awkward feelings are revealed.

since then, i've questioned intent & gone through skepticism & research & intrigue & enjoyment about the idea that they now have a show on mtv, who has been no stranger to exploitation over the years. in passing judgment, one could also argue that trey parker & matt stone make fun of disabled people (see south park's timmy & jimmy), but then one would be misinformed.

i've been around various disabled folks more frequently than usual in various situations over the past year & in applying that to how's your news, i can say that if you're watching & laughing & enjoying it because these peeps are having the time of their lives traveling the country with friends, getting to do the craziest stuff & interview celebrities & have A SHOW ON FRIGGIN MTV, then there is nothing wrong with it. i mean, it's more than i'm doing with myself these days. if you're laughing at them because you're a prick, well...there you have it. there's a name for you too.

exploitation? hell no. there is a show on mtv with a cast made up entirely of disabled people. maybe one day they'll afford the same luxury to an all muslim cast or hindu caste.

i watched the first four episodes the other night & the show is even better than the movie. some key moments:

los angeles (ep.1)
- sue interviews people on venice beach. a guy on a bike stops to be interviewed & the first question she asks him is "if you could change one thing about this country, what would it be?" his reply is, "i'd legalize marijuana." after that, everyone she talks to gets asked about legalizing marijuana.
- red carpet at the grammys! miley cyrus! boys against girls! plain white t's! the shins! the creepy dude from tool!

las vegas (ep. 2)
- jeremy goes to the mall with john stamos as his wingman to pick up chicks.
- ufc fighters! kroq festival! the rambo premiere!

austin (ep. 3)
- sue interviews gil mantera's party dream at sxsw & opens by saying "you guys aren't even ipod material." ha! it's funny cause it's true!
- the how's your news? band rocks sxsw for two shows. three of the dudes have williams syndrome which, from what i've read & seen, means badass musical ability.

new orleans (ep. 4)
- they have an oyster eating session with a guy claimed to hold some oyster eating record.
- they visit a pirate convention (now with more wenches!) & the louisiana state penitentiary for a rodeo (now with more bull!).

#66 - what a re-tahd.
snack: original juan's batch #114 jerk microwave popcorn
drink: sierra nevada bigfoot barleywine style ale / bar harbor blueberry ale

in honor of the how's your news? team's cross-country adventures, i settled in for the four episodes with a popcorn from the heartland & a beer from both coasts.

i finished the entire bag of original juan's batch #114 jerk microwave popcorn (from kansas) as i watched. it's somewhat spicy (the website lists it at "zesty (1,500-14,999 scoville units...their hottest product is 1.5MM scoville units)" & has a screamin' dude on the front. he's all THIS POPCORN IS SOOOOO DAMN SPICY I'M LOVIN IT MUTHAFUCKAH!!!!! then all the ladies get with him.

unlike jerky mcjerkjerk on the bag, i kept my composure but also found it to be moderately spicy & tasty & the jerk flavoring's well done. there are maybe 25 kernels left unpopped, so that is also a bonus...more popcorn for shawn!...also some 500 calories for shawn.

also, original juan's products are developed in micro-batches, ensuring goodness & whatnot. i can't wait to try their jerk nuts. the bag encourages me to have my "favorite cold drink in hand" to go with the jerkiness of the popcorn, so i started with a sierra nevada bigfoot barleywine style ale. as a beer style, the barleywine ale falls pretty low on my list, due to the bitterness, but sierra generally makes a good beer & i enjoyed this one enough.

then i cracked open a bottle of bar harbor blueberry ale. the beer is true to the claim on their website. it's a subtle blueberry flavor, which i'll take over the overpowering apricot of the magic hat #9 any day of the week. i preferred it to the sierra, which once again proves that the best is not in the west. hopefully that same principle will apply to upcoming how's your news? episodes as well, as they make their way back to the east coast...but only to justify the ending of this blog entry.

#65 - it's a mad mad mad mad tv.

if there's one thing that fox can say it's consistently kicked ass in over the years, it's comedy...& i suppose, if you're a bombastic prick, you might also say they've kicked ass in news coverage, but then you deserve a good kick in the nuts too.

just look at the list of awesome comedy-based programming that they've been home to, all with varying run lengths...married with children (11 seasons), the ben stiller show (1 season), arrested development (3 seasons), the simpsons (20 seasons), family guy (7 seasons), in living color (5 seasons), that 70s show (8 seasons), the critic (1 season), get a life (2 seasons), herman's head (3 seasons)...the animated sit down, shut up (with like half the cast of arrested development doing voices) premieres near the end of april. i already assume that it's genius.

in their history, fox has made a mixture of great & awful decisions as far as which programs to keep or cancel. madtv has managed to stick around for 14 seasons now & is finally ending its time on fox after the current season. over time, even though it too can have its fair share of groan-worthy sketches, i've become a bigger fan of madtv than i am of snl.

this saturday's episode opened with a sketch with two people watching a disturbing commercial for a dog declipper. in it, they kept showing a closeup diagram of how the clipper worked, which involved yanking at the claw and slicing off the nail, all to the sound of a dog yelp. the couple squirmed & squirmed & the sketch ended with another commercial for a product that proposed to aid in "papercuts to the cornea." the sketch then returned two sketches later with a commercial for "the circumscissors."

throughout the show, there were a few sexy sketches about abstinence with miley cyrus & the jonas brothers, a celebrity roast of a dying child, a series of "t-mobile fave 5" sketches with bushie the second, angelina jolie & michelle obama, two bobby lee sketches--one with him in a diaper as cupid & one with him as "the blind kung fu master," a sketch where a firm comes up with a new image for a manufacturer of douchebags and a few other "gems." it was humorous enough.

#65 - it's a mad mad mad mad tv.

snack: stacy's cinnamon sugar pita chips
drink: samuel adams imperial white

as i spent the hour watching & writing down notes about madtv, i dug into a bag of stacy's cinnamon sugar pita chips. they're baked & wheat-based & essentially healthy and stacy madison (the co-founder) got her start in boston, so that's cool. the company's currently based out of randolph, a yawntastic town located just south of boston that i never found the need to go to in my 20+ years growing up in the area. their website is pitachips.com, so i guess that pretty much makes them the masters of the pita chip.

i'm a fan of pita chips. they're never greasy & their thickness makes them a substantial & satisfying snack item, especially when combined with the right amount of flavoring. these ones have a cinnamon sugar flavoring that's never overpowering & when you do get a chip that's abound in flavor, it's a sweet treat & no reason to complain...plus, the flavor reminds me of the main reason my moms got me to eat so much toast growing up.

with the chips, i'm enjoying a beer from another boston-based company, the samuel adams imperial white. it's one of three beers (along with the double bock & imperial stout) in their "imperial" series. it's a fruity witbeir and i enjoyed it (even sipped it as suggested by their website) and thought that the orange & coriander flavors went well with the cinnamon sugar...in fact, it was going so well & i was feeling good that when midnight rolled around & madtv ended & talk show with spike feresten came on, i leapt up like a coked-up leopard & shut that tv down before it was too late...catlike pita & beer reflexes, i tell ya...quicklike.