#73 - patty boom-ba-latty.

aw yeah, suckas. st patty & his irish posse in the hizzouse! let's give it up for the people i have the highest percentage of ancestry with! sorry my lesser perecentage brethren from canada, france, belgium, germany & scotland. when you create a crazy-ass drinking holiday, i'll give it up for you too.

for now, one-two one-two. check it. i'm from the boston area, so i definitely know me some st pattys day. growing up, we had a green felt erin go brah pennant hanging in our house. whereas st pattys day was a good time as a kid & to some extent up until college, now the holiday makes me want to employ some whacking day tactics a la the simpsons a la st patrick on just about everyone.

that's one of the downfalls to living in a large city. all the sudden, mid-march comes & thousands of people start wearing green like it's halloween & other people from other cities come to your city & take to the streets, get wasted, puke & fight, all in the name of the irish. i wonder how many of them, other than those who are actually irish, have any clue about the recent political violence in northern ireland...or that there is a northern ireland...or what the color green actually represents...or that at one time, st patrick was represented by the color blue.

this year, since st pattys fell on a tuesday, the holiday started two days early for a lot of people...on saturday the 15th. didn't someone somewhere once say something about bewaring ides at some point during this particular month? i seem to remember something, so i tried to stay away from the city this weekend & stayed in brooklyn, where idiots in green cat-in-the-hat getups & drunken girls with green sparkles & beads & stumbly walks in impractical heels are kept to a bare minimum.

#73 - patty boom-ba-latty.
snack: tico's plantain chips
drink: mcsorleys ale

then tonight, on the actual holiday, i left work & fled the chaos of times sq for astoria/queens to have a power meeting at the abode of musical genius & society darling james call of the missing teens. post-power meeting (& a couple yuengling black & tans), we went around the corner to his local pub, sunswick, for the obligatory st pattys day beer. they have something like twenty beers on tap, but it's friggin st pattys so i wanted to go irish & a guinness is way too obvious, so i went with a mcsorleys ale...it sounded irish enough.

turns out that other than the name, it's not very irish at all. in fact, it's made by pabst. the irish have been tricked again! it tastes better than a pabst, but not much.

when i got home, after an hour train ride, i hadn't had dinner yet, so i cracked open a bag of tico's plantain chips to munch on. i know they're not irish, but they come in a bright, ehnaced-kermit green bag that features a cartoon parrot. the color isn't exactly an irish hue, unless you're wearing a long-sleeve shirt of this color under a short-sleeve shirt of typical irish color. then you're just fashionable, which is totally an irish quality.

as to the plantain chips, they're fairly tasty & have a simple list of ingredients, which i like...

- plantains
- vegetable oil
- salt

truth be told, plantain chips are boring though. wee lil crisps made from a bloody fruit. i'll take my hash over those wankers any day o' the week.

#72 - sexy sexed up brits.

by far, my favorite british tv show is monty python's flying circus. my current sense of humor owes a lot to repeated monty python viewings as a teenager. beyond that, my knowledge of british television doesn't really extend beyond dr who, benny hill & the millions of british shows that have been remade here in the u.s.

over in the u.k., their tv programs don't have "seasons." instead, they have "series," which is wicked classy...& the programs are actually "programmes." the comedy two pints of lager & a packet of crisps, which airs on bbc three, just started its eighth series last week. i hadn't seen anything from the first seven series, but since eight series is a lot for a british show, the other night, i went ahead & checked out the series eight premiere.

though it was funny enough, i had a hard time figuring out what was going on, partially due to the lack of knowledge behind the first seven series, but mostly because the series eight premiere also features members of two other british comedies that i've also never seen--coming of age & grownups.

i got that there are now four main characters--gaz, janet, donna & louise. i got that everyone is totally sexed up & full of whitty double-entendres. also, i got that there's a closeted but super gay bar owner named tim at the bar they always hang at. he rules.

but still, i was confused...so i went back tonight & watched series seven. the first episode was broadcast live & in it, the fifth main character from the first six series, jonny (janet's husband), is away in hawaii, as he won a competition & is going shark-jumping. by the end of the episode, janet learns that jonny has been eaten by a shark.

throughout the season's eight episodes, louise gets preggers and donna & gaz get married. by the final episode, donna & gaz have broken it off, janet & gaz have fallen in love & louise has given birth to a girl. through it all, there's all sorts of sexy fun talk, all in sexy british accents...not bad overall.

#72 - sexy sexed up brits.
snack: walker's worcester sauce potato crisps / walker's thai sweet chilli crisps
drink: yuengling lager / stella artois

when i first watched the series eight premiere, i settled down with an american-made yuengling lager & a packet of walker's worcester sauce potato crisps. when i went back to watch series seven today, i treated myself to a stella artois & a packet of walker's thai sweet chilli crisps.

walker's is a u.k. snack food manufacturer that was founded back in the 1880s, but is now owned by frito-lay (pepsico), which explains the logo's similarity to that of lay's potato chips. since the front of the package says "it's back!" i guess that the worcester sauce flavour went away for a while.

at first, i wasn't sure if these would taste like the streets of that lovely city in central massachusetts, but in the end, i liked the flavour. it had a slight, not-too-overpowering mustard & worcestershire sauce taste. still, the second bag of walker's, the thai sweet chilli flavour, was definitely the better of the two flavours. the chips were abnormally round but covered with tasty lil red & green thai spices. i downed the bag pretty quickly.

as to the lagers, both are pretty much just your run-of-the-mill beers. the first, the yuengling, is from a pennsylvania company that has been around since friggin' forever (1829). although the taste isn't anything special, i definitely prefer a yuengling to a bud or a coors light any day of the week, since it at least has some flavor & is somewhat in the same price range as those aforementioned crap beers.

the stella artois almost didn't make it into this entry. originally, i bought a can of old speckled hen ale, since it's all british & whatnot, but as it turned out, i was watching two pints... and gaz was drinking a can of stella (has anyone else ever seen one of these?). coincidentally, a friend of mine left a six-pack of stella bottles in my fridge last night, so the old speckled hen totally got bumped. c'est la vie.

anyway, in my book, beerwise, the stella's on the same page as the yuengling--cheap enough & better-tasting than a bud. also, stella has been around for a long time too...since 1926. all told, while watching two pints... i had 1.45 pints of lager & two packets of crisps, which is close enough to the show's title when you add it all up.

THAT'S IT!!! TV MONTH IS OVER BITCHEZ!!!

NEW!!! COMING TOMORROW & FOR EVERY WEEKDAY UNTIL THE END OF ETERNITY...A DAILY NEWS ITEM FROM THE WORLD OF SNACKING...SAY HELLO TO...

NOSH NOOK*

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* - nosh nook will contain significantly less capital letters.

#71 - the ring.

damn! double damn! south park is old! i used to be a huge fan of it, watched it all the time, even had an oversized cartman key chain hanging off my backpack at one point...then i got on with my life. i haven't watched it in forever, but this wednesday night was the lucky 13th season premiere, so i decided to check back on thursday night & see what's going on in the world of south park, co.

this week's episode begins with the boys in the lunch room, staring at kenny (not dead) sitting with his new fifth-grade girlfriend, tammy, the only girl in school poorer than him. the rumor is that she gave some boy a bj in the t.g.i.fridays parking lot. when the boys break it to kenny, he cheers & runs down the hallway to confront tammy. she confesses that the rumor is true, but only happened because she saw the jonas brothers (jo bros) on the disney channel & got all tingly...cut to kenny buying two tickets to the upcoming jo bros concert at denver's pepsi center.

the boys are disgusted at kenny's plan. cartman warns him that, "statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an american woman." so true. kenny & tammy go to the jo bros concert & there are tons of little girls freaking out to lyrics like "i'm ready to get it on, but there's no getting it on til i'm ready." after the show, tammy gets asked backstage with a group of girls & security gives kenny the boot. the end result...the jo bros get the girls (& kenny, by default) to wear purity rings ("the hip new way to roll").

it's a trying time for kenny & the guys see how lame he's becoming as he starts hanging out with other purity ring couples. he even starts watching greys anatomy.

at the same time, the jo bros are getting fed up with the purity rings getting in the way of their "music." after shooting a video, they storm off the set & are eventually confronted by the boss...mickey mouse.

mickey is pissed. the purity rings are important, because it's the only way disney can sell sex to little girls. when joe jonas tries to keep pushing the purity ring issue, mickey kicks him in the junk & beats him to the ground. later on, the jo bros are on "good morning denver," promoting their next show, at red rocks, where they will be "dousing girls with white foam." the boys show up & cartman interrupts the jo bros, until the boys are all shot by blowgun darts from mickey, paranoid that dreamworks & michael eisner are trying to ruin everything.

the boys wake up backstage & after mickey loses it, he accidentally announces, to the horror of the crowd, his plan for selling sex to little girls, whilst calling christians "retarded." when people disapprove, the whole promise ring scam collapses & mickey grows into a fire-breathing, float-sized giant who terrorizes the city.

in the end, kenny & tammy decide not to wear the purity rings...& kenny gets syphillis & dies for the first time since season 11, proving that sex is obviously wrong.

#71 - the ring.

snack: chocolove cherries & almonds in dark chocolate
drink: avery brewing co karma ale

since i was worried about offending south park creators trey parker & matt stone & subsequently having my junk booted or city terrorized because i didn't have a proper theme, i specifically decided to have a snack & drink both from colorado tonight. a colorado beer was easy enough to find, but i probably freaked out a few store owners as i flipped over snack package after snack package in an attempt to identify the manufacturer's home state, eventually, i found the chocolove cherries & almonds in dark chocolate bar, made by a company in boulder.

i really enjoyed the taste of the cherry chocolove bar, even though the cherry taste wasn't very prominent. the dark chocolate was tasty enough & the almonds & slight cherry tastes here & there (rather than having big cherry chunks in the bar) made for some tasty chocolate consumption. plus, their wrappers contain verses from love poems. the one i got was from i love thee, by eliza acton (a poet & cook from the 1800s):

i love thee, as i love the calm
of sweet, star-lighted hours!
i love thee, as i love the balm
of early jes'mine flowers

...what a lovely, heartfelt chocolate bar.

to keep the colorado love going, i had an avery brewing co karma ale along with my chocolate & south park viewing. it's also made by a company out of boulder. to be honest, there isn't really anything special about this ale other than its implied ability to dispense karma. i'm even skeptical of that though, since we all know that karma must be inherited through our own actions.

let's end with a quick discussion about karma. for starters, we know that the instant kind is gonna getchoo. it'll knock you right on the head. we also know that if you talk in maths or have a hitler hairdo, thom yorke will suggest that the karma police come arrest you. a little known fact...musical superjoke the black eyed peas were once a pretty good group & once believed in karma, way back in the late 90s...then they let fergie into the group, pretty much guaranteeing a lifetime of negative karma for those fools..."ain't no running from karma"...sho nuf, will.i.am.

#69 - somebody please shoot me in the face.

oh snap! have you guys seen fox's show hole in the wall? it is a remake of the japanese show brain wall & it has been adapted all over the world & it is totally off the chain! hole in the wall brings the people of the world together!

in this u.s. version, teams of three, in various combinations & configurations, stand on a platform & then a wall is revealed with a section cut out of it & then it starts moving toward them & they have to line their bodies up so they don't break the wall or get pushed into a pool of green liquid, which i'm 90% sure is mountain dew. it's really dramatic! tonight's teams are "female gymnasts vs male acrobats" and "surfer boys vs surfer girls."

check out this scoring system. please try to keep up. the first round is a one-player wall. if you don't break it or fall into the dew, you get one point. round two is a two-player wall. it is worth two points. the third round features a three-player wall. it is worth three points. this is where the scoring gets tricky. after that, there is a bonus, catch-up round with a three-person double-speed wall. each person who makes it through the wall gets two points. then there is the bonus round for the winning team.

it's hosted by l.a. weather anchor mark thompson, who speaks to the people from high above on a balcony & brooke burns, who is apparently there to act pretty & interview the contestants with stupid questions. TOTALLY AWESOME stupid questions! wooooooo!

there's much use of the phrase "it's time to face the hole" in this show. also, in case you're tracking your vegas bets, tonight's two winning teams were the "handspring hotties" and the "beach bunnies." the beach bunnies even cleared the bonus wall, so they get $125K. then they all jumped in the pool of mountain dew to get wet & celebrate. go feminism.

#69 - somebody please shoot me in the face.
snack: frey tiramisu chocolate bar
drink: long trail brewmaster series coffee stout

i sure do have a thing for the swiss recently, even though they don't have a version of brain wall gracing their airwaves. tonight, i'm trying out the swiss-made, target-exclusive frey tiramisu chocolate bar while i watch fox's u.s. version of the most einsteinien game show ever invented.

i guess this tiramisu bar is about as close as you can get, in chocolate bar form, to a piece of tiramisu, so that's good. it has marscapone powder in it & that's totally the powder of the cheese that you use when making tiramisu. authentic! also, like with tiramisu, after you have eaten a few pieces, you feel so full that chances are that you won't be able to down another damn thing...well, maybe except for a cappucino or something.

since i don't have no stinkin' cappucino, a long trail brewmaster series coffee stout will have to do, i suppose. long trail is a vermont brewery & this beer comes in a 22 oz bottle that costs 11¢ less than the 12 oz canned stout i had just the other night. it's pretty much your standard coffee stout, with a dark complexion & a burnt, coffee-like taste. it goes really well with the tiramisu chocolate bar. flavorwise, they totally blend in mouth for good yum taste in mouth.

in conclusion, hole in the wall is a thinking man's game show. think jeopardy on steroids. NOT!!! [wayne's world reference]. next up on fox after hole in the wall: the simpsons! that's still a thinking man's show, right? [wayne's world reference].

#68 - what the @%#& are you worth?

seriously. this blog entry is gonna @%#& rock. you know why it's gonna @%#& rock? it's gonna @%#& rock because i, shawn parow, fully embrace the kenny powers method & if there's one thing that kenny powers isn't, it's a @%#& pussy & when you embrace the kenny powers method, you can move mountains, mother@%#& and that's what this blog entry is gonna do. it's gonna move mother@%#& mountains & i'm gonna prove my worth, blogwise to all you envious mother@%#&s.

hbo's new comedy series, eastbound & down, stars danny mcbride (recently in pineapple express) as kenny powers, a former major league baseball pitcher who rose to fame on the back of his blazing fastball. the show is now three episodes into its first season & the series opened with a montage depicting the downfall of kenny powers' baseball career. the montage includes a few john rockerlike moments & includes a great clip of kenny with the red sox, attacking a cameraman while screaming "i'm not on steroids!" it's funny because everyone knows that red sox don't use steroids.

...so his career ends & he hits rock bottom & moves in back home with his brother and his brother's wife & three kids & takes a job as the p.e. coach at the middle school. he struggles with his fall from grace & determining his worth. hilarity ensues.

the title sequence for each episode starts with a freeze frame at the end of a totally @%#& awesome kenny powers moment--kenny punching a guy out (ep.1), kenny urging a girl to wear a dental dam because "you don't know what @%#& i've got either" (ep. 2) & kenny running away from a car crash, leaving his assistant with the words "i'm gonna split cause i got priors. see you at school" (ep. 3).

overall, the series has a @%#&-ton of hilarious, swear-filled kenny powers-delivered lines. even his "assistant" (the band teacher) gets into the game:

"you're @%#&ing out!" - kenny powers' catch phrase

"you named your kid after @%#&ing titanic? [points to nephew] what's his name, @%#&ing shrek?" - to his sister-in-law, who named their daughter "rose"

"let me get this straight...i'm gonna pay for a blowjob and i gotta pay for a hotel room? i got a house. you could just come to the house and do the blowjob here...can i wear the scream mask when i do you from behind?" - on the phone to an escort service, while his sister-in-law cleans up around him

"you can smoke a @%#&ing peace pipe til your @%#& falls off but i'm not dancing with wolves no matter how high i get." - from a kenny powers "i'm @%#&ing in, you're @%#&ing out" motivational tape

"this one coach tried to put me on a weight training program and i was all, 'you and your weights can @%#& off somewhere. i ain't lifting that @%#&. it's heavy.'" - also from a kenny powers "i'm @%#&ing in, you're @%#&ing out" motivational tape

"watch it, ass blood." - kenny's assistant, bumping into a college scout they just had a confrontation with

as you can see, it's often a hilarious show...swear-filled hilarious...but it's ok that it's swear-filled, because kenny powers is a @%#&ing champion...& it's hbo.

#68 - what the @%#& are you worth?
snack: 100 grand with coconut
drink: ten fidy imperial stout

i am a @%#& high rolling, ballin' mother@%#&, bitches. here is how much this blog entry is worth:

snack = $100,000.00
drink = $4.50
total - $100,004.50

while watching eastbound & down, i had myself the most expensive candy bar in the whole @%#& world, the 100 grand with coconut. nestle was all "as it is, you american @%#&s probably don't deserve our swiss, regular, everyday 100 grand bar, packed with chocolate, caramel & crisped rice, but since we're a mother@%#&'n multinational, multi-billion dollar corporation & you hide so much money in our banks, we're ok with giving you 100 grand bars & we're also ok with giving you coconut, which you @%#& americans, for some reason, insist on having in your candy bars. you're welcome. now if you don't mind, we have to go discourage third world mothers from breastfeeding now." then they twirl their well-groomed moustaches.

multinational corporation formula agendas aside, the 100 grand with coconut is pretty damn good. while mounds, with its dark chocolate, is a solid coconut candy bar, the 100 grand with coconut benefits from having rice crisps & caramel. they blend well together & the caramel prevents the coconut from being too overpowering...plus, i feel like the airiness of the rice crisps helps enhance the flavor. overall, it's fine swiss engineering.

the chocolate flavor also blended well with my drink for the evening, the ten fidy imperial stout. it's a canned beer (ala kenny powers' drink receptacle of choice...easier to toss out the window while driving) made by the oskar blues brewery out of colorado. american engineering!

i'd picked up the beer at a local park slope gourmet foods place, grab, without really looking at the price sticker on the side of the can, so immediately after purchasing, i definitely felt the same sort of guilt you'd get after paying for a $4 pbr at some stupid lower east side bar.

luckily, unlike a pbr, this beer was @%#&ing worth the $4.50. just under the rim of the top of the can are the words "cross-eyed. cyclopean. cancupiscent." i looked up that there last word & it's a playful twist on "concupiscent," meaning this beer is lustful. it has a thick, black color that looked sweet in a glass and had a chocolaty/burnt/coffee taste that was worth both sipping & gulping...and when i was done, i crushed the can on my forehead & @%#&ing hurled that thing at the wall...& came in at 56 mph on the radar gun...looks like somebody's still @%#&ing got it.