nosh nook #15 - friday, april 3, 2009

say no to pistachios: recall widens, includes frito-lay (link)
04.02.09 - st. petersburg times - via the a.p.

roaches, feces found at l.i. plant tied to salmonella (link)
04.02.09 - newsday - by delthia ricks

dean foods not impacted by pistachio scare (link)
04.02.09 - dallas business journal

let the non-stupid jam band widespread panic begin! now that we've got that peanut thing out of the way, it's time to move on to something else nutty that we can all come together as a nation to freak out over...pistachios! yep, that's right. your favorite nut that doesn't require much effort to get the shell open is just like michael jackson. d-a-n-g-dangerous. apparently they can both also carry salmonella & in many cases, need to be recalled. luckily, nobody will put michael jackson in their mouth.

the a.p. lays out the facts about the pistachio recall. a bunch of companies have already started. dallas/plano-based frito lay has pulled its 1.75 oz packages. the second biggest pistachio producer in the country, setton farms, has recalled its entire crop. even whole foods is recalling some & they're all healthy & godly and stuff, which makes me think things might be bad for the pistachio.

oh! another thing that is bad for the pistachio? having rodent feces & cockroaches in the plant where you process said nuts. as newsday reports, a setton foods plant here in new york (strong island represent!) was found to have both of those present, although, to be fair, there were only two cockroaches & various rodent droppings, which, in all likelihood, came from a single, poopy mouse...must have been all them pistachios!

luckily, dean foods is ok. thank you dallas business journal & whomever the p.r. person is for dean foods...i can sleep easy tonight. sure frito-lay is in the same greater metropolitan area, but you too can rest assured knowing that the salmonella did not run down from plano to the dean foods plant. if you enjoy dean foods' pistachios, enjoy away!  it's the weekend, people!

#63 - dushk as you're told.

...so i watched me some josh whedon's dollhouse the other night. i haven't really seen much of his other shows, so i figured i'd give this one a shot. first thing's first...the show's star...mmm eliza dushku (pronounced "douche-coup") mmm. hotties rule! how have i never noticed her existence? it looks like i need to brush up on my maxim magazine. and she's from watertown, mass! graduated from watertown high! i lived there for five months! hottie!

here's the thing though. as a university-educated white male with a snooty film degree and a non-snooty rural middle-class upbringing and a snooty bookshelf that includes such feminist literature as cunt, the second sex and they call me mad dog! and limited knowledge of josh whedon's feminist mores & lesbian subtexts, i'm supposed to be wicked offended about the premise behind this show, right?

the premise: there's this company. people ("dolls") voluntarily come to them & agree to have their personalities wiped clean for a period of five years. during these five years, the dolls are imprinted with new personalities, go on "engagements" with clients and then have their memories wiped at the end of each engagement. in between engagements, they live at this facility ("the dollhouse"). kinda sorta like prostitution, right? a female lead with no free will?

turns out that josh whedon actually ran the show by the gals at equality now (who work heavily against human trafficking), so it's all good in the hood. plus, he sounded pretty sincere about his intentions in a recent interview on fresh air when discussing the show's premise. plus, the totally gnarly lead scientist dude (fran kranz) says early in the episode, "we gave two people the perfect weekend together. we're great humanitarians." plus eliza dushku is a hottie boombalottie. yes, that is the correct spelling.

the first episode was pretty good. within the first six minutes, echo (eliza) is seen racing motorcycles with some dude through the streets & eventually they drive straight into a hall, to his birthday party & then seconds later, she's dancing with him, wearing a dress that hangs at what is basically the curves at the bottom of her butt. the concept of the show's interesting enough too. anyway, it's good enough that i'll watch it again next week.

#63 - dushk as you're told.
snack: archer farms salt & pepper cashews
drink: archer farms blueberry black tea

since i have no free will myself these days, when i'm looking for a snack, 83% of the time, i find myself at target, plunking one after another of their target-brand archer farms products into my lil red basket like a good little target target customer. i ate about a quarter of an 11.5 oz jar of archer farms salt & pepper cashews while watching dollhouse. i mean, cashews are good, but cashews covered in both salt & pepper are at least ten-fifteen times whatever good is. good for shoveling. mouth shoveling. it's a simple flavor genius that i've enjoyed ever since the days when i first moved to nyc & first laid eyes on a bag of utz salt & pepper chips, during the pre-9/11 era. i can never forget that moment.

the label provides me with a wealth of juicy info:

#1 - these cashews are multicultural, as they're a product of india, brazil, vietnam & indonesia. that means that these cashews have been to twice as many countries as me. nuts. i should get out more...& eat locally more. i don't even want to know what the carbon footprint is on deez nutz.

#2 - they are made up of four ingredients--cashews, salt, black pepper, modified food starch (corn). wtf target! i know you're all "shelf life shelf life shelf life," but i've been in your brooklyn location & unless your employees are lame at restocking which i couldn't IMAGINE FOR ONE SECOND that they'd be, stuff flies off the shelf. so shelf life's not a problem. please. can i eat one thing that doesn't have friggin corn in it?

#3 - the label offers up a "100% satisfaction guaranteed" guarantee...followed by the phrase "and they said you can't guarantee happiness." i bet the woman sitting alone in her apartment right now bawling as she shovels cashew after cashew into her mouth whilst watching tivoed episodes of extreme home makeover & picking cat hair off the sofa agrees with you 100% about that happiness thing.

speaking of what isn't good, there's archer farms blueberry black tea. ever since every beverage company & their mother started bottling teas, everyone thinks they can just whip up a good tea & call it a day. for starters, the name's got "black & blue" in it. for finishers, the tea tastes as bland as an ang lee film. boom. roasted. sorry target. i refuse to be an empty vessel for your crappy tea. i'll take your corn-laced cashews though.

#52 - bcs bs.

let me start by saying that the last time i watched an entire college football game from beginning to end, it was the only place you could find a two-point conversion. tonight, as a service to my readers, so you don’t have to watch it yourself, i’ve decided to provide you with a running tally of college football’s b.c.s championship game, featuring two teams, oklahoma & florida, who are ranked #1 and #2 respectively & are both 12-1 and high-scoring excitefests. in honor of sports excitement, i’ll be offering, you, the reader, an increased amount of exclamation points in today’s entry. enjoy!

7:45pm (pregame) – story time. florida quarterback tim tebow does inspirational stuff, goes to prisons, spreads hope & strong messages & counts blessings. on the field: spirals. off the field: spirals of hope. turns out he’s the first homeschooled athlete to win the heisman & he has bill named after him in alabama, one that aims to give homeschooled students access to high school sports. i guess that’s cool.

7:49pm – we’re getting a little taste of the fighting gator band right now. they’d better know how to fight with those fey feathers on top of their caps. oh man. now we’ve got the oklahoma pride band! they have feathers too. feather fight!

7:56pm – that 09’ ford f-150 is featured smack dab in the middle of the pregame podium & on all the video screens behind the commentators. oh. now we get a commercial for an 09 ford f-150. that’s subtle. i guess it’s fitting for a truck that you can apparently haul a cow or a bunch of sheetrock or a smaller, weaker truck in.

8:00pm – omg i so want to see the notorious b.i.g. movie next week on opening night, but in brooklyn, i bet at least one person gets shot at a screening, so there’s that.

8:01pm – wow. both teams have quarterbacks who have won heisman trophies. here’s what i know about the heisman off the top of my head. doug flutie won one. so did herschel walker. i have both received & given a few heismans myself in my time.

8:02pm – wow, oklahoma scored over 700 points this year. now if they could only say the same for their s.a.t. scores.

8:04pm – national anthem. you best recognize.

8:06pm – bcs road trip giveaway! average joes! ultimate truck! guess which kind! cody won the truck with a whoop. good for him. enjoy the taxes from your f-150 prize, cody!

8:09pm – florida’s head coach’s first name is “urban!” is that russian?

8:19pm (q1) – so these teams have never played each other? ever? weird. kickoff!

8:26pm – personal goal for 2009: purchase a headset, preferably one that allows me to communicate with someone up in the booth. alternate goal: sack someone.

8:31pm – wait…did the commentator just say that the gators have weapons all over the field? see, this is why the nfl ends up with image problems like pacman jones & mr shot-in-the-foot-at-da-club. it starts in college.

8:48pm – these teams are supposed to be high-scoring, right? we’re almost eight minutes into the game & nobody has scored. what is this? football or futbol?

8:54pm – so that demps guy on florida was the fastest teenager in america...good for him...showoff.

8:57pm – the commentator just made a comment about the negativity & cynicism of society. screw him.

9:00pm – you know what’s the best? flag after flag after flag…wicked good first quarter.

9:06pm (q2) – touchdown gators! 7-0. finally. from this point on, my support is behind the gators. go gators! chomp them injun-hating unassigned land-grabbing sooners!

9:14pm – touchdown sooners! 7-7. tie game! from this point on, my support is behind the sooners. go sooners! displace them sewer-dwelling gators!

9:22pm – gotta be honest…i’m not feeling either teams’ cheerleaders. i have a feeling it might be my hippie new england upbringing rejecting their showy southern cheerleader ways.

9:24pm – oklahoma’s chris brown is doing a number running the ball right now (8 runs for 73 yards). too bad his music sucks.

9:27pm – …it appears that his goal line scoring abilities suck too…still 7-7. at least he has rihanna. go sooners?

9:37pm – ouch. that tackle just spread & twisted that florida dude’s legs in a way that should not be used in conjunction with the phrase “that dude.” let’s go to commercial.

9:43pm – aw yeah! the school bands are coming back for halftime! feather fight!

9:46pm – this should be good. 10 seconds left. oklahoma on the 6 yard line.

9:47pm – holy bounce! major wright for florida! interception! major wrong for oklahoma! that ball ka-jiggered off of everyone’s hands! florida foils forward progress!

9:48pm – classy kneel by florida to end the half.

#52 - bcs bs.
snack: blue diamond lime n chili almonds
drink: rogue chipotle ale

i’ve decided to give the blue diamond wasabi & soy sauce almonds (my #1 snack of 2008) a bit of a rest, so as not to subject them to the law of diminishing marginal utility. i realize that there are other nuts out there & i don’t need to focus all my attention on the wasabi & soy sauce ones…so i went for the blue diamond lime n chili almonds to fill my belly during the second half. they’re not as addictively pleasing as the wasabi ones, but they’re still pretty good.

…& this bottle of rogue chipotle ale, from oregon, home of the ducks, complements them well. it’s your basic smooth ale with a spicy kick from the chipotles & a mexican-looking dude with a hat on the front of the bottle & i must note that when the oklahoma pride band is playing their “pinball wizard” medley, it makes it easier to appreciate both the smoothness & the spiciness.

10:15pm (q3) – another punt! i’m seriously considering gator chomping my roommate's cat to shake things up a bit round here.

10:21pm – what this game needs right now is a killer flee flicker and/or a statue of liberty play.

10:26pm – actually, more personal fouls will suffice for the moment. rough that kicker!

10:32pm – woah. that do-gooding florida quarterback is really trying to pump up the crowd…nothing like a riveting quarterback sneak to get the stands bumping.

10:36pm – that florida wide receiver looks hurt. that’s what he gets for trying to score!

10:39pm – i think we might be in the “red zone.”

10:40pm – wikipedia confirms that we’re in the red zone.

10:41pm – face mask!

10:43pm – trick direct snap formation! touchdown gators! 14-7.

10:44pm – so that florida quarterback has a bible passage written on his eye paint…john 3:16…the generic central tenet coca-cola of bible verses.

10:50pm – ooh. my sooners just got their field goal attempt blocked. 2 minutes left in the 3rd quarter…still time to back the gators.

10:53pm – geesh. all these players are getting injured. clock slowers! yawn. aren’t they supposed to be in shape? what are they getting paid the big bucks for?...oh, wait. never mind.

11:02pm (q4) – they just showed the “ford game summary”…should have been video footage of grass growing.

11:03pm – i think what the problem is here is that i don’t have the right attitude about this championship matchup. my expectations were too high.

11:06pm – one-shoed sooners touchdown! 14-14.

11:07pm – twelve minutes to go…i think i might have heartburn from all the chili & chipotle, but it could also be an ulcer, since i’m such a huge sooners/gators fan & this game is so uneventful/nail biting. i bet grey’s anatomy got higher ratings tonight.

11:10pm – woah. that gator guy ran forever! 52 yards! that must be why they gave him #1…although, now that i think about it, if that was the rationale behind number-assigning, you’d just have to focus your defense on the players with single-digit numbers.

11:17pm – field goal gators. 17-14. i’ve decided that i’m going to continue backing the current underdog, the sooners. coming from behind is scrappy & i’m into scrappy.

11:22pm – crap. interception florida. i spoke too soon…& i’m out of spicy beer.

11:25pm – during the commercial, i’ve done some approximate math regarding this evening’s lime n chili almond consumption & here’s what i’ve come up with:

serving size = 28 nuts
servings per can = 6
amount eaten = half can
nuts eaten = 84
calories consumed = 510

…& there are still 10 minutes left in the game. watching football is fattening!

11:28pm – defense is not just something that goes around de yard, sooners! way to give up that 3rd down conversion.

11:31pm – red zone!

11:33pm – see, florida knows what’s up. that’s what this game needed more of…shovel passes. hotter cheerleaders wouldn’t have hurt either.

11:35pm – & crazy jump passes! touchdown florida! 24-14. things are not looking good for the sooners.

11:36pm – ok. we get it. the quarterback lived in a leper colony & spreads the good word of jesus.

11:38pm – three minutes left! screen passes do not win championships, ou.

11:40pm – so the sooners just blew it on 4th down. go gators! the kitty loves the gator chomp. gator chomp? gator champ!

11:41pm – aw snap! here comes the gatorade! look out, coach urban! why didn’t i drink that during this game? too cliché? too soon?

11:48pm – tebow takes a knee. 24-14. final. gators win.

long live the gator, or, according to the florida fish and wildlife conservation commission:

“if you transfer your alligator carcass to a commercial alligator processor, you must also complete a hard copy of the alligator harvest report form and a copy of this form must be transferred with the carcass.”

sure thing, florida jerks.

#43 - hispanic attack.

mon dieu. as a teenager in high school, why in le monde did i choose to learn french over spanish? here's what i've learned as an adult: pretty much nobody speaks french. it's a useless language unless you want to go to france or quebec & pretty much nobody ever goes to either of those places. these days, all the cool kids are speaking spanish. i mean, according to the ethnologue, it's the 2nd most spoken language in the world, just ahead of english. french? 17th. last i checked, they don't give out medals for 17th.

i really should learn spanish. i've given it a few half-assed attempts over the years, but in reality, i've put more hours toward learning bengali. i guess it's because its alphabet is ten times more beautiful/fun to write with. still, i have a lot more call for spanish on a daily basis than i do for bengali. currently, two of my favorite tv shows contain high-ranking hispanic officials & sometimes they speak in spanish and fx & showtime apparently can't afford subtitles or is forgoing subtitles in an attempt to be realistic or something. oh...there are probably tons of spoilers in the next two paragraphs:

david acevada (benito martinez), the shield
i'm just starting to watch the 4th season (out of 7) of the shield, which is the season in which hispanic police captain david acevada makes the transfer to city councilman. he's had one of the show's more interesting character arcs thus far, as in the previous season, he was in a limbo period between the primaries & the election. it's a time where he's still the police captain but he's a few months away from running unopposed for city councilman in the election...& in the 3rd episode of the season, two thugs hold him at gunpoint & force him to give one of the thugs head. it's rare to see a major male character on tv who is raped during his adult life. benito martinez's acting is damn good, especially when he is still the only one who knows about what's happened to him & he is cycling through hundreds of emotions throughout the season...anyway, that dude speaks spanish sometimes...los angeleso spanish.

miguel prado (jimmy smits), dexter
jimmy smits also speaks spanish & this season, he's joined the cast of dexter playing hispanic assistant d.a. miguel prado. in the opening episode, dexter accidentally kills miguel's brother, who happens to be at the house of a drug dealer/murderer dexter is hunting named freebo. freebo flees the scene, leaving miguel with the impression that freebo is the one who killed his brother, as miguel has no clue that dexter was even involved. as the season has progressed, miguel has become dexter's first real friend & they've bonded & even worked together to kill someone who has escaped justice (as is dexter's m.o.). i've never watched l.a. law or nypd blue or the west wing so i can't comment on jimmy smits' acting style, but in dexter, he's a commanding presence. he's smooth & persuasive & apologetic, but he can kick your ass & he just might...anyway, the show is set in miami, so he totally speaks spanish sometimes...cubano spanish.

#43 - hispanic attack.

snack: planters roasted salted pepitas
drink: negra modelo

so i got a bag of these planters roasted salted pepitas at a gas station back in new hampshire over the holiday because i read the front real quick & thought they sounded exotic enough, but it turns out that pepitas are basically squash or pumpkin seeds. in this case, it's a mix of pumpkin seeds & sunflower seeds. roasted pumpkin & sunflower seeds. with salt. if there was a single word that allowed me to combine a sarcastic "mmm" with a long, drawn out yawn, i would use it here.

the seeds aren't all bad, i suppose. i didn't have to actually do any carving or roasting. a machine who took the job of a hispanic worker who took the job of a black worker who took the job of a white worker at some ubiquitous planters/kraft/philip morris/altria plant took care of that for me. plus, a few sources on the internet tell me that pumpkin seeds are good for urinary flow & as mentioned in my previous post, i love things that are good for the ol' tract.

...like beer. beer really gets the tract flowing. take negra modelo, for instance. if you were to believe all the off-based generalizations about the effects of mexican beers, you would think that if you wanted to drink a negra modelo, you'd need a lime wedge & the patience to be running to the bathroom for the remainder of the evening. not so. i drank a negra modelo & passed the hell out still wearing my jeans. take that evil stereotypes.

UPDATE: bill richardson has been named secretary of commerce. go hispanics.

#38 - baby talk.

this is what i've observed about the world: society deems you both cool & not cool if you have a baby...it's all in the circumstances behind your baby having...

teenager with baby ≠ cool.
fundamentalist white couple in kansas with adopted african baby = cool.
celebrity with adopted african baby = cool.
celebrity smoking cigarette with baby ≠ cool.
gay couple with baby ≠ cool.
foster care system overrun with babies = cool.

i just hit 34 this week & my siblings & i have yet to produce a baby for my parents. for one of us in particular, this is a good thing since he's 16. for myself & the other two, we're in that prime 25-35 baby-making canal. here & there, a few of my friends are starting to get babies of their own. i'm pretty sure at least one of my high school friends has a baby who is old enough to have a myspace page. another friend apparently has twins. another who lives in the u.k. just had a daughter. i don't even know how that works as far as citizenships go, but i have a feeling something un-american might be afoot.

one of these days, i'm going to get around to the baby-having. obviously, there are clear & present obstacles to that currently happening, namely the lack of a baby-making partner, which is something i'd like to have for this particular adventure. ladies? who wants to make a baby with shawn at some point in the next year or two? eh? it'll likely be smart and/or cute. all i'm saying is...think about it...or pass the word on to one of your baby-wanting friends or co-workers. hotties and/or really smart girls only please.

#38 - baby talk.

snack: planters honey bbq kettle roasted peanuts
drink: flying dog snake dog i.p.a.

like me, my first baby will love all things planters. this is for certain...a love for planters will be in his and/or her blood & by this i mean that most planters snacks are too tiny for babies to eat without choking, so my first baby will have planters products delivered intravenously...unless planters starts making baby food, in which case, we will get to forgo all the needles.

for starters, baby will get planters honey bbq kettle roasted peanuts. these things are extra crunchy, which baby won't actually get to appreciate due to the intravenous delivery. according to the packaging, "the nut experts at planters have carefully roasted each small batch to bring out its crunch." ha! nut experts!...i'm going to start using that. somebody's talking too loud on their cell phone..."hey buddy, wanna stop being such a nut expert & bring down the volume please? you're disturbing me & my friends. thanks."

anyway, baby will instead get to focus its appreciation on the blood rush that this snack offers, with its unsettlingly unbalanced combination of salty bbq & sweet honey.

& like me, baby will also get a flying dog snake dog i.p.a. to go with his/her intravenous peanuts & in doing so, baby will get to appreciate cartooning. babies love cartoons & the ones on the flying dog labels are by ralph steadman, who illustrated many of hunter s thompson's works. that means baby also gets to learn about art history & the counterculture.

...which means my baby will be WAY COOLER than your baby. suck on that, breeders.