snack away #13 - my puerto rican last meal.

another week, another new guest blogger! today we've got a TOTALLY INTERNATIONAL post from the eatinist bitch, who heeded my call for guest bloggers just days before she left NYC for a few days vacation in puerto rico. she was all "i'll write something about the snacks & drinks down there" & since i don't have a budget to fly columnists to puerto rico, i was totally for the idea. so yeah. enjoy & read her blog & stuff. it's the eatinist, bitch.

so i went to puerto rico two weeks ago in a stunning display of last minute traveling and proceeded to have one of the best vacations ever. i could go on forever about the landscape and the people...but you know the only thing that matters is the food.

seeing as that my friends flew back a day early, my last day in isabella (the town i stayed in) was spent by my lonesome. i wanted something tasty and quick for my last meal there and i knew something tasty would be found at the beach front plaza, villa pesquera. there are a ton of little restaurants and bars, but i picked one stand that i had been eying during my stay. i can't remember its name but i can damn sure remember what i got...

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flea at laff #5: red hook vendors.

snack: flautas
drink: tamarind drink

it's official. i am never ever paying attention to weather reports ever again...like ever. this past weekend, in a repeat performance from the previous weekend, the weathermen called for saturday lightning bolts from the sky. with that forecast, i was thinking that the weather was going to foil my plan to head to the brooklyn flea, but when i awoke, i saw no hint of lightning bolts, so i threw on some pants & carried on with my plan. as a special treat, after a few weeks of going to the flea solo, this time i met up with ms. jessica, a friend & proud flea neighborhood resident.

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#135 - abstruse adjectives.

monday marked the octennial anniversary of a grand day in our great nation's history, that historic day back in 2001 when the crucial USA PATRIOT act was signed into federal law by the best 43rd president we ever had, GWB. since that stupendous day, this terrorist-preventing bill has remained strong. i mean, has there been a horrific terrorist attack in the good ol u.s.a. since 9/11? not that i can recall, so today, we're going to celebrate the two day-old anniversary of that momentous bill signing with a grandiloquent display of out of sight adjectives. it's going to be scrumtrulescent!

...so the amazingly heroic USA PATRIOT act. thank almighty god that our gracious government came up with it. it's always working hard to keep us hard-working u.s. citizens safe with a solid, balanced diet of law enforcement enhancements, terrorist-thwarting legislation & unprecedented data collection, with some occasional messy fingerprinting mixed in. a little-known fact about the glorious PATRIOT act: there's a special section in there where if you make tasteless light of the infallible bill on your radical left-wing blog, you'll be whisked off to the southeastern edge of a tropical communist island within twenty-four hours. true story.

hold on a cotton-pickin' second. i just remembered something. in michael moore's award-winning documentary farenheit 9/11, there's an eye-opening scene where the crafty filmmaker is in washington d.c. & he catches a couple of u.s. senators basically saying "we don't actually read the bills. that would take too long." i sort of wish they would have at least read the freedom-altering bill instead of rushing it through in a knee-jerk bluster, especially since it gives our curious government & inquisitive law enforcement officials some pretty awesome powers.

you know what? now that michael moore has made a totally bold statement & in the process, made me think about it, the controversial USA PATRIOT ACT is pretty much the most injudicious piece of governmental legislation that the unrepentant bush administration gave us. a whole bunch of orwellian provisions in this satanic bill are set to expire on december 31st of this quickly-fading year, but i have scant faith in anything changing. i mean, we can't get rid of the PATRIOT ACT, right? if we did, crafty terrorists, determined to undermine our precious freedoms, would instantly begin flooding our preeminent cities with muslim bombs. if we were to let the shining sun set on those wide-sweeping provisions, well that'd just be plain unpatriotic. it'd be a downright flag-hating act.

#135 - abstruse adjectives.
snack: zesty tomato terra chips
drink: arizona mucho mango



when searching for an ambrosial snack worthy of PATRIOT act day, i was looking for something with a tantalizing name, something that made me want to go on an intrusive "sneek & peek" or tap into an innocent person's mobile phone. i found that pined-for snack in zesty tomato terra chips. these tasty treats aren't your everyday chips. they're exotic vegetable chips made from taro, ruby taro, sweet potato, yuca, batata & parsnip. it's a very healthy, chromatic mix of chipified veggies seasoned with tomato, worcestershire & celery. basically, you could toss some vinegary horseradish & a few hefty shots of top-shelf vodka in with the zestily-spiced chips, swirl everything around & you'd have yourself a fernand petoit-approved bloody mary.

my absolute favorite of the vivid vegetables is the ruby taro. it's mellifluous & flavorful & the chip version of the festive ruby taro drove my middle-aged mouth wild with repressed excitement. for a while, i singled a privileged bunch of them out from the sorry rest of the plebian chips because they were clearly too good to be in the lowly company of those other inferior vegetables. that's not to say that i didn't enjoy the other ones. since i got 15% MORE CHIPS FREE in the bag & they have NO TRANS FAT, i eventually went to the proverbial town on all the chips equally...just because i could. i'm loco like that.

i felt that it was muy importante that i found a refreshing beverage that reminded me of the refreshing USA PATRIOT act. the arizona mucho mango definitely fits that bill. it's named for the state where both aging senators love the PATRIOT act & it's MUCHO & made with 5% juice. wait. that doesn't sound like MUCHO mango. hmm. if you visit the arizona beverage website, you'll come across a totally hip music player featuring rocking, cutting-edge musical acts like this blue holiday, laser blade & a rag-tag bunch of other no-name bands. while you're there, you should head over to the smoove AZ lounge. it's like a graffiti wonderland! you should check it out if you want to be boss.

the mucho mango is mucho sweet, basically because the second ingredient after filtered water is high fructose corn syrup. i guess there wasn't enough mango puree or pear juice to make it taste sweet, so the inventive folks at arizona decided to go all the way. on a serious note, i had to take a brief break part way through drinking it. i felt like my train-wreck teeth were buzzing from the herculean amount of HFCS. it could just be a microscopic listening device implanted in my unsuspecting incisor by the nefarious government while i slept, but i want to be an unwaveringly-true patriot, so i'm just going to grin & bear it, like i did with the sacchariferous arizona mucho mango.

#107 - celebrity wheel of death.

wow. what a week (or so) it's been! it's like stevie wonder sang to us in "we are the world"--there are people dying. stevie may be blind, but he can see the truth. every day, all over the world, people are dying, some young, some old, some expected, some not, some peaceful, some violent, some messy, some not. last week was no exception. people were up & dying pretty much round the clock BUT the shocking thing about it...a handful of these people were of the celebrity variety. starting on the 23rd, the four most talked about ones were ed mcmahon, farrah, mj & billy mays, but there were some other notable deaths:

- on the 24th, in iowa, high school football coach ed thomas was shot & killed by a former player who's alleged to have a meth problem.
- on the same day, former canadian governor general romeo leblanc, a man who apparently avoided the media to the point of being unknown, passed after living with alzheimer's.
- on the 25th, sky saxon--of the seeds, a 60's l.a. garage rock band--died at age whatever...he believed age was irrelevant.
- this tuesday, in iraq, we made some seriously symbolic history, as we pulled all american troops from its cities...& then four soldiers were killed & thirty-three iraqis were killed in a bombing.

so here's the thing about all the celebrity deaths & by "all the celebrity deaths," i mean michael jackson's death...shit, man. i work in the music industry & tend to be on facebook a bunch as part of the job, so in this web 2.0 universe, here's who broke the michael jackson story to me...former co-worker & indaba music superstar nate lew...on my facebook wall no less. twenty years from now, i'll be able to have this exact conversation with my TBD teenage shawn spawn:

spawn: dad, do you remember where you were when you heard michael jackson died?
me: yes, son...and i was on facebook at the time.
spawn: facebook? what's that? some kind of drug?
me: yes, son. yes it was.

in the past ten years (or so), the last week in june has been an unfortunate week for celebrities, both known & unknown. in '07, that ol' "in threes" thing happened as in one week, we lost the amazingly-mustachioed relief pitcher rod beck, designer liz claiborne & film critic joel seigel. in '03 the same thing happened, as buddy hackett, katherine hepburn & (barf) strom thurmond died during the last week in june. back in '99, at the end of the month, the non-webster george papadopoulos--the former greek dictator who took over in a '67 military coup--died. he's the guy whose takeover of the government eventually led to a student uprising that eventually led to twenty-four deaths & a bloody end to that uprising on november 17th, eventually leading to the creation of a greek terrorist group named after that day & eventually, one year later to the day, i was born.

#107 - celebrity wheel of death.
snack: terra exotic harvest sea salt chips
drink: tropicana pure premium calcium + vitamin d orange juice



during the week, my snacking constant was a bag of terra exotic harvest sea salt chips i'd picked up at my fave neighborhood bodega. i spied them on the fancy chip rack & was all "these things look crazy! they have kabocha chips! i don't even know what a kabocha is!" now i know...it's a japanese pumpkin, which, to answer your question, can be made into a jack-o-lantern. anyway, i was blinded by the sheer craziness of these chips & not paying attention when i brought the bag to the counter. the dude looked at the bag & asked one of the other guys working there, "these are really $5.99?" i was all "wiggidy wah?!!" the mofos cost six bones! regardless, i had no choice but to get them. i had already fallen in love.

lucky for me, they were definitely worth it.  we're looking at chips made up of a combo of carrots, blue potatoes & the aforementioned kabochas.  the carrot chips are very similar in both texture & taste to a sweet potato chip, which contrasts nicely with the crunchiness & saltiness of the blue potato chips. as for the kabocha, it's definitely interesting. some of them are smooth & good but on the brink of rubbery, but some of them had ridges, which made them a bit more appealing...& when it comes down to it, each individual chip was like eating a nickel!

since i'm trying to phase out soda and/or HFCS, i picked up a two quart thing of tropicana pure premium calcium + vitamin d orange juice as well & that thing lasted me til around the day the billy died. me buying it is sort of like a coincidental tribute to billy, as both he & tropicana are from the sunshine state & both whole-heartedly embrace the orange.  by almost always drinking the OJ instead of soda all week, i got all sorts of vitamins & fortified calcium & whatnot instead of government-subsidized, lab-manufactured ingredients acutely focused into a beverage. tropicana is a pepsi co. though, so i'm not entirely guilt free when it comes to the OJ.  speaking of OJ, the murders happened in june, but that was early in the month & entirely guilt free.

...so that's one of my goals for the summer--to drink more juice & less soda, more natural stuff & less junkity junk. i figure it'll aid in slowing down my own inevitable demise.  anyway, we'll see how well that plan's worked out come the end of the summer...btw, contrary to what you may have read on your favorite social networking platform, jeff goldblum, natalie portman, the san diego chicken & tony danza are still alive. o death!

snack away! #3 - juicy!

they say the only certainties in life are death and taxes, but I'd note that, in chicago, you might want to add winter weight gain to that list. The weather gets incredibly shitty in this town for long spans of time, sometimes stretching from november to may, and everyone who lives here is pretty much eastern european, irish, or black, which is to say, buried deep in our genetic code, our bodies are ready for famines and grossly inhumane treatment at the drop of a hat, so a predisposition to save some extra meat on our bones while we're, in essence, hibernating isn't a undesirable trait to have. but, add to that our historical reputation as hog butcher to the world, and, well, that's a recipe for a bunch of people opening their eyes come springtime, looking in the mirror, and saying, "holy shit, i got fat."

in an effort to stave off that uniquely disheartening realization this year when it's time to pull out the short skirts and tank tops, i've decided to embark on 30 days of what is known among raw foodists and other health conscious folks as a juice feast. basically, it means I won't eat any solid food for a month, subsisting solely on a gallon of fresh fruit and vegetable juices that i make at home each day. it's both less and more arduous than it sounds.

i did my first juice feast from mid-june to mid-july 2008, and it was an absolutely transformative experience. i lost about 13 pounds, my skin cleared up like i'd never seen it before, i gained a deeper awareness of my issues around "emotional eating," and i had the satisfaction of knowing i'd achieved a really slightly insane goal. it's obviously not a task to be undertaken lightly, or frequently for that matter, but nine months later i finally felt ready to give it another go and do some internal spring cleaning, as it were. today is day 17.

all of which is my way of explaining why this guest entry isn't going to look like the standard eat!drink!snack! posting that you've come to know and love--no booze, nothing purchased from a bodega, and, um, not much of a snack.

snack away! #3 - juicy!
guest blogger: allison felus, chicago, illinois

snack: 1 tablespoon of y.s. organic bee farms bee pollen
drink: 1 quart of celery/cucumber/spinach/apple juice + 1 tablespoon of spirulina

as i write this, i'm drinking a quart of freshly prepared celery/cucumber/spinach/apple juice. i would have absolutely balked at the idea of drinking something like this, and in such great quantities, just a few years ago, but now it's one of my favorite concoctions. other greens (like kale or dandelion) can have a strong, sharp taste that can be unpleasant to choke down in fresh vegetable juice, but spinach is light and almost sweet. the celery adds much needed organic sodium, the cucumber is light and hydrating, and the apple adds a happy little punch of natural sugar.

the tablespoon of spirulina is an optional add-in, but i've been craving it like mad lately. it turns whatever it touches a soft, wet shade of dark green and has a quickly addictive flavor that's kind of warm and buttery. (depending on how you're consuming it, it can be almost reminiscent of the oaty yet sugary dust found at the bottom of a box of cereal.) it's also one of the highest sources of complete protein found in nature, which is especially important for vegans (which i guess i kind of am--please don't hold it against me).

bee pollen is one of the few things that you're legitimately allowed to chew on during a juice feast, and, as such, i've come to really love my daily dose--as a break in the monotony of all that liquid, if nothing else. but it's also one of those trendy superfoods that everyone's always cooing about. each spoonful is packed with amino acids, enzymes, B12, and other scientifically proven microscopic yummies that our bodies need to keep humming along optimally but are so often absent in the nutritionally devalued food of the standard american diet. the taste varies from bottle to bottle--sometimes it's sharp and crunchy, sometimes soft and earthy. my current batch has a nice mild midrange, with a little bit of chalkiness to it, but an overall essence of, yes, honey that goes a long way toward quelling my usually insatiable sweet tooth.

see you in the sunshine, kittens!

allison felus blogs at wrestling entropy. she loves you just the way you are, except for when you're kind of being a jackass.